The Secret Celebrity Protocol for Constant Attention

“With great power comes great responsibility” quipped Donald Duck. (name changed to protect identity) A celeb’s superpower is an insatiable thirst for attention. To convert that power into responsibility, the celeb must divert a little bit of attention towards some remotely irrelevant cause and hope to shine in the reflected glory of someone else’s agony! Barely a week into celeb-hood, the lack of constant attention is already driving me crazy because attention for celebrities is like sunlight for superman. I turn to my fellow celebs for some inspiration on how to get more attention for myself.

Keep it Simple (and) Stupid

The easiest way to get some attention is to say something really stupid and hope someone takes offense and criticizes me on twitter. Then I can go on the mainstream media, play victim and claim that the internet is a conspiracy of Internet Hindus whose goal is to transform India into an Orthodox Conservative Hindu Dharmocracy with Narendra Modi as the PM and Pramod Muthalik as President!

This strategy works well for Sagarika Ghose but unfortunately stupidity doesn’t really go with the whole “Computer Science @IIT Bombay” thing I’ve been pulling off for almost 5 years now. Also I am not married to the Chief Editor of any news channel!

Whoopsie!

Female celebs have it easy. All they have to do is attend some children’s charity event without proper underwear and oops! Male celebs however have to undergo a sex change operation before staging the wardrobe malfunction. I don’t think my mom would approve of this strategy!

Go Veggie

Wait, I’m already vegetarian, the kind that removes the chicken pieces before eating chicken biryani, but still technically vegetarian! I can go one step ahead and go vegan. But veganism is sort of a cliché already. Maybe I can take it up a notch and be something cooler than vegan, like a Jain-vegan!

Jains don’t eat anything that grows under the soil. Vegans don’t eat anything that comes out of anything that is capable of voluntary biological motion. Jain-vegan is what the kids get to eat when a Jain marries a Vegan! I really hope my invention catches up. 

A Jain-Vegan thali

Become a Reality TV Judge

If Siddhu can be a judge for a comedy show, I can be judge to anything! Judging someone with self-esteem so low that they’re ready to marry Rahul Mahajan just to appear on TV and then go to Rakhi ka insaaf to sort out their marital issues with the wife-beating-dope-head may not sound like fun but I look forward to insulting them!

The Grass is Greener on the Celeb side

Why bother about saving hungry orphans and dyslexic dolphins when I can save planet Earth? After all, being eco-friendly makes you feel good doesn’t it? Who knows, high self-esteem could be the trick to save the planet!

When it comes to being green, no one is greener than an A-list Hollywood celebrity. I have so much to learn from them. Julia Roberts lives in an “eco-friendly” $30 million mansion and she also does little things like composting and reusing Chanel reusable bags. Al Gore spends his summers in his $9 million yacht.

Leonardo DiCaprio uses an eco-friendly $3200 toilet! I have a feeling he was duped by the sales guy because the greenest way to defecate is to do it out in the open without using toilet paper! A mug of water can be used as long as the mug is biodegradable. The greenest of them all is adorable actress Rachel Bilson. She asks flowers for their permission before picking them♥

All these people inspire me to be greener than the statue of liberty. Global warming is a war against time, nature, evil corporations and cultural inertia. A noble and holy war to save M.E (Mother Earth)! The tag eco-friendly is way too lame to describe that emotion! We need something more powerful and heroic. What we need is a title like Planet Crusader!

Isn’t that the message we as celebs ought to give to our fans? Make them feel sad and insecure about the things we have and they don’t. Make them feel that they’re a burden to the planet while we’re a blessing. What better way to achieve that than demonstrate “To be really green, you need a lot of green”?

So there you have, my final Jain-Vegan, planet crusader, unpublished writer, amateur cartoonist, celebrity blogger mug-shot -------->

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