Don't be that guy either

Continued from: http://gtoosphere.blogspot.com/2013/05/dont-be-that-guy.html

Don’t be that guy: Deodorant Commercial Guy

Men (most of them) like women. All men like looking at beautiful women. Women also like looking at beautiful women. Beautiful women are nice to look at. There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong, however, is the way men look at women.

Do we really have to give that aggressive, lecherous, leering stare that involves a 180 degree sweep, full body scan, mental undressing and lusty ogling every time a women passes by? I am not talking about the eve teasers and other assorted jerks near the bus stop. Everyone from class VIII kids to 50 year old happily married uncles in this country stare like they are starring in a deodorant advertisement.

I am not asking you to stop looking at women completely. It is okay to subtly steal a glance once in a while but don’t make them feel uncomfortable. And don’t think even for a second that women like that sort of attention. They do not. I have the inside information. Women do NOT enjoy being stared at like that under any circumstance. Not even a little bit… even if you are Ryan Gosling or whoever that Hollywood Mahesh Babu is.

Don’t be that guy: Dr. U. Salaha

Some people are so very knowledgeable about health, beauty, healthy living and life in general that they feel that it is their duty to educate other people about it, even if they are complete strangers. It doesn’t matter if you have just met and are doing some polite small talk. They have to slip in a piece of totally unsolicited medical, beauty or diet related best practices based advice.

These Dr. Salahas (Salaha = advice) don’t just randomly throw advice. They do a preliminary diagnosis by scanning you from top to bottom, identify some obvious flaws (that you are already conscious about), point them out in public and then offer free solutions.

 
If you are a little patient, the conversation will eventually steer towards natural, herbal remedies chiefly propagated by Eenadu paper’s Vasundhara supplement.

The more you entertain their advice, the more incredulous it gets.

If you’re not fully convinced about the magical properties of everyday ingredients, they present relevant peer reviewed empirical evidence

And if you endure long enough, they get carried away and might even refer you to their favorite doctor. (This happened to me)

How do we deal with these uncles? 

Don't be that guy: The unofficial Brand Manager

Don’t be that guy who corrects people when they pronounce Volkswagen with a V instead of ‘Fau’. I know it is pronounced Folks-wagon. I just don’t give a shit about the correct pronunciation.

Don't be that guy: The Tip Nazi

Notice how some people are extremely fussy about restaurant service, especially when they are dining at posh restaurants?

They complain about everything. The list goes on and on. They have to complain about everything. People who normally don’t bother washing their hands after peepee demand hand sanitizers after touching a shiny brass door knob. These are some of the profound consequences of our “paisa vasool” mentality.

Then there are Tip Nazis. Tip Nazis are not just fussy about the service. They take it one step further and take it out on the waiters.

When you tell them to relax and calm down, they have a self-righteous tone about it, “It’s their job. I am not asking them anything out of the world. I am just asking them to do their job properly”

Sometimes the “issue” with the waiter “escalates” and the manager has to step in. The manager being experienced in these matters offers a fake smile, an empty apology and a complementary milkshake and Tip Nazi feels like Che Guevara who stood up and showed it to the system. Don't be that guy.

I understand that you’re paying for the ambience, the service and the experience blah blah blah but you’re paying the restaurant, not the waiter! The waiter gets 8000 a month for taking shit from people like you. If you really have the balls, refuse to pay the 14% service tax to the restaurant and tell them you’ll pay when they hire well trained and better paid waiters.

Don't be that guy: The Wedding Uploader

What is the deal with people who spend the first three days of their married life uploading wedding photos on Facebook? Why are they nostalgic about something that happened day before yesterday? And what is with that grand stage, the diamond ring, the kneeling down, and the cheesy proposal during the engagement in front of your parents? Do you have any idea how lame that is?

And people in the audience, why are you saying “aww” in a chorus even though deep down you know that it is an arranged marriage and they are acting out some weird Bollywood dream sequence? Don’t encourage such unoriginal behavior. It is not good for society.

Even more to come...

The Posh Restaurant pre-meal Ritual

Why are you eating curd rice? I thought you went out for dinner.

I did, but I am still hungry

Did you go to one of those ‘you don’t pay for the food, you pay for the experience’ places?

yeah

And how was the experience?

As usual, the waiter walked in with a bottle of packaged mountain spring water in his hand and…

packaged mountain what?

Packaged mountain spring water from the Himalayas. The same water that our ancient rishis drank water 2000 years back!

Why would anyone buy that?

Sadly, there are enough people in the world who think that drinking normal water makes them sick. Did you know that Italian mountain water is exported to the US?

Wow, water?

It’s not just “water”… It is Italian mountain water. I have tasted it once. The naturally occurring spring water there is slightly alkaline, so the water actually tastes a little soapy and doesn’t quench your thirst at all. And they also charge like $8 for a 500ml bottle!

And still you humans claim to be the most intelligent life form on the planet?

Well, we have a thing for glossy, sexy looking, non-biodegradable plastic bottles. The main market for this is young men going out on dates. The waiters target guys on first dates and subtly ask questions like, “Sir would you like to try our new Italian mountain water?” The last thing the guy wants on a first date is to look cheap. So there is a huge probability that he would say yes.

That is pure evil.

I know. It’s a popular strategy to push bottled water. If you say no, then the waiter will follow it up with something judgmental like, “Tap water is fine for you sir? And you madam?” It is bound to create an awkward situation which is the last thing you want on a first date. So they have a very good conversion rate.

Okat, so they collect all that water from the Alps; transport it a Mediterranean port in tanker trucks, and put that water into a shipping container which is then transported across the Atlantic in a cargo ship to be unloaded, treated, bottled, branded, packaged, marketed and sold across the United States all because some guys don’t want to look cheap in front of a chick?

Yes, I call it High Carbon Footprint Dating

It sure is. What did you order?

I am not really sure. The menu was in Italian or Spanish. They had some English subtitles but I couldn't pronounce a single word and was too embarrassed to even attempt it in a crowd. So I pointed my finger on an item and said, “I want this”

Like a four year old? :P

Yeah, like a four year old. And as soon as I showed the waiter what I wanted, he just went on a roll with his questions, “Would you like with some bread sir? What kind of bread? Brown, white, parmesan? Would you like some maple syrup on the side? Would you like some chocolate sauce? Or would you prefer it varnished with Schkarsi sauce? Do you want coke? Do you want a cookie? Are you sure you don’t want a bottle of Himalaya Mountain Spring Water?”

These waiters sometimes sound like they are Brand Ambassadors of Diabetes

I know. I don't understand these people. How the hell am I supposed to know if pasta primavera tastes better with Asparagus or sundried tomatoes? Why am I even given that choice? I don’t even know how much sugar to put in a cup of coffee!

The restaurant management expects waiters to go through a checklist during the ordering process. They charge a lot for extra maple syrup, slices of bread, bottled water, chocolate chips etc. So it is in their interest to make you lick some honey.

The list was endless. Where I come from, if you order a Masala Dosa and filter coffee, you will get Masala Dosa and filter coffee. That’s it. No questions asked. End of transaction!

But this guy was going on and on with his questions. It brought back repressed memories of walking into lab viva exams without any preparation.

Did you say anything to the waiter?

No. I just nodded... giving the waiter full freedom to interpret the nods as he deemed fit and he was tapping the order into his iPhone.

The waiter had an iPhone?

Yeah, he places the order in his iPhone and the chef wirelessly receives it

That sounds efficient

Yes, it is. We got our order in 43 minutes instead of the usual 45. I bet some MBA fellow has taken credit for this "innovation" by writing "Analysed and identified bottlenecks in the ordering process and suggested strategies that improved efficiency by 8%" in his resume!

Haha... yes, I am sure. What did you guys do for forty minutes?

Oh the usual, people were discussing other people’s status updates.

Isn’t that weird? Humans used to talk about their real lives on social networks. Now they’re talking about social network updates in real life. When did that switch happen?

I don’t know. It was quite subtle. And when the food finally arrived, the buzz of the conversation died down and the posh restaurant pre-meal ritual began.

What is that?

Just after the food is served, everyone sits in quiet attention and inspects the food warmly from different angles. Once they have seen everyone's plate and the contents, they bring their arms together in position to…

...to pray before every meal?

No… they bring their arms together in position to take pictures of the food with their smartphones and uploaded them with the caption, “Yum!”

Wait. How did they know that the food was yummy even before tasting it?

No, you don’t understand. It doesn't have to be good. It just has to be photogenic. You don’t have to have fun. You just have to look like you’re having fun. At a fundamental level, that is all that matters.

Come on, you’re being harsh.

Oh yeah? How else do you explain Youtube videos of amazing live concerts with everyone in the audience holding up a dumb camera above their heads? I mean there are fireworks in the sky, awesome laser patterns in the air in sync with the wonderful music but these people are looking into their four inch Handycam screens instead!

What is this obsession to archive every moment of your lives as it happens? Why do you want all your memories to reside on a 2 TB hard disk full of shitty footage with bad sound recording?

Yeah, why can’t they just use their brains and have memories?

Last year, I saw a family recording their Diwali celebrations. Now most cameras are not particularly good at capturing fireworks at night, so all the family members were taking turns trying to figure out the right setting which they were not able to.

The kids who were bursting crackers till then were more now interested in capturing pictures of firecrackers instead. An hour into the celebrations, they were all frustrated with their mediocre photography skills. They complained that the camera was not a DSLR, gave up on the celebrations and went back inside to watch TV. That’s their Diwali! Can you believe that?

If you’re ruining the environment, at least have some real fun in the process you idiots!

It's one of most depressing sights – people desperately trying to have fun. You can see that in malls all the time. At some level, they see the they the plastic soullessness character of the environment. But on the other hand they are spending so much money, so they're all "Whee!" and "Yaay!" with half-baked enthusiasm.

Truly happy people don’t go around telling other people how happy they are. They just are! Why is it so hard for you humans to grasp such simple things? Learn a little something from cats. We remember all our awesome purring sessions but we don’t go around telling every remote acquaintance what was an awesome purr it was. We just lick the back our paws and purr a little more in satisfaction.

You're a pet cat. You have nothing else to do.

Anyway, this decadence of your civilization is not at all surprising. It is the price you pay for rejecting your true religion.

What true religion?

http://ancientegyptonline.co.uk/cat.html

Oh, shut up

I find your lack of faith disturbing *purr*