Like I have mentioned before in one of my earlier posts, I have an offer from The NRI magazine to be one of their contributors and my first article has been published today. The article combines two of my favorite areas - the news media and stand up comedy and is named Breaking News: India Needs a Comic Relief. I insist you check it out here --> http://www.the-nri.com/index.php/2010/07/why-does-indian-media-not-offer-serious-reporting-of-news/
P.S: I know this might freak you out a little bit but trust me, gtoosphere will be updated with the same tempo :D
July 11, 2010
July 10, 2010
Octopus, Parrot and Humanity
Proud Moments of Human Evolution. Part-1
I am convinced about evolution. Darwin might not have seen this through but I am sure that there is no way we humans can be the end result of any divine or intelligent design going by the recent news events! I know that's not great proof, but the past week of sports reporting has led me to believe that stating wild conjecture as fact is now considered acceptable journalism these days and I am only a blogger, not even a journalist!So according to the media, in the last one week; Paul the Octopus emerged the new Spanish hero. The Spaniards want to rechristen it as Pablo and adopt it. A few angry Germans want to eat it. Now that the Octopus has predicted a Spanish victory for the world-cup final, the Spanish Prime Minister wants to send troops to protect the octopus! Mani – an equally successful psychic parakeet in Singapore has predicted a Dutch victory. The world cup final is now between Paul Octopus and Mani Parrot.
Attention whores from around the world are coming into the limelight by displaying their psychic pets which can “accurately” predict the world champions in football. I am sure no one believes it and yet everyone is excited about it. I wonder why PETA is not offended yet. They, as honorable members of the prestigious League-of-Easily-Offended should be offended by now! May be there is a grander plan. May be PETA secretly convinced Larissa Requelme to run naked in Paraguay. May be she’ll have a PETA tattoo instead of Axe. May be... *dirty thoughts censored*- (=|:-P) I bet that if you repeat the experiment with the same Octopus and the same food, North Korea will win the world cup. Do you know why? Because a hungry Octopus doesn’t give a shit about humans! I bet it does not even have the sophistication to see the colors on the flags. It just crawls into the nearest box and eats whatever feels like shrimp. It’s just a handsomely packaged Rudi Goldberg-ish coin tossing experiment with the same odds!
On a serious note, this may be my last post as a common man – as one among you; because in two days’ time, I am going to be rich and famous. I have a coin. It’s no ordinary coin, it’s a magic coin. I just tossed it and… it’s TAILS. Hence The Netherlands will win the world cup! The media must be already on its way to report the awesomely magical coin and the amazing ME for tossing it and predicting every match in the world cup with 100% accuracy! So the time has come to bid goodbye and say this to you from the bottom of my heart, “Screw IIT, Screw you guys I am going home and later I’ll holiday in Casa Bonita!”
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| I was expecting a standing ovation but I will settle for this :p |
P.S: This post is based on the ideas and observations of Flawsophy who is too busy this weekend to write about this, so I took over. You should check out his blog here --> http://flawsophy.blogspot.com/
P. P. S: IndiBloggers, if you like this (I am sure you will), vote for this post on Indivine here --> http://www.indiblogger.in/indipost.php?post=25031
July 4, 2010
The (Bad) Times of India and the Final Solution
Population Control: The Final Solution
The Indian male is like a global average of all men of all races, ethnicities, regions or any other parameter you can think of. The average Indian male is brown, average height, average intelligence, average build, and also unfortunately average well you know :-T which is why a lot of them are from time to time, can get a little insecure. In the movies (especially the South Indian ones), it’s relatively easy for the hero. He can just kill a hundred people or control an angry bull with his bare hands (or both at the same time depending on the script) and the heroine half his age will fall for his rugged “manliness” and bushy moustache!But the average HIM (Horny Indian Male) in Shivpuri district, Madhya Pradesh doesn’t have the luxuries of a South Indian film star. So as a symbol of manhood he fathers children, lots of them. Shivpuri district has about 5.1 children per couple, probably the highest in India! The bureaucrats there, who were supposed to keep the population explosion in check, were having a hard time educating HIM about the inconvenience of having too many kids around. And just when they thought they were losing the battle, they have come up with a brilliant solution.
I may have accused the bureaucrats of being problem solvers of the worst kind in the recent past but this time, no sarcasm intended, they have done a really good job. What they have done is that they are offering firearms permits in exchange for vasectomy surgery. In other words, the government is giving guns as a symbol of masculinity to insecure men with average size things if they choose to become sterile! Can you think of a better population control strategy? Pure brilliance!Don’t believe me? See for yourselves: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article3593874.ece
The (Bad) Times of India
Remember when I wrote that the Times of India does not want us to read the news? As a next step to prevent us from reading the news, The Times of India has stopped reporting the news. I recently chanced upon an article that sprawled across half a page. If it is half a page, I thought it must be important news. I realized how naïve I was because the article was about Adnan Sami’s dogs.Apparently, Adnan Sami got married for the third time and has been in Germany with his wife for the last couple of months. His poor dogs have been missing him and have been barking a lot lately. So the pissed off neighbors tipped off TOI journalist Vicky Lalwani, one of India’s best EJs (epic journalist) about the situation and soon he was on his investigation trail looking for clues.
EJ Vicky interrogated the watchman of the building first. The watchman was a tough nut to crack; he wouldn’t give away anything except for a series of blank stares. But EJ Vicky at his usual vicious best grilled him for half an hour and the watchman finally broke down and confessed, “It would be best if you speak to his servant Ram — he has been with Adnan for a long time”
Wasting no time waiting for the elevator, Vicky ran up dozens of flights of stairs and soon confronted Ram. This time he meant business -
The funniest thing about the whole article was that I did not even have to exaggerate anything! People who read Times of India deserve this shit --> http://bit.ly/do5Cuc
P.S: This article is dedicated to all those brave and courageous people like EJ Vicky who are the fourth pillar of democracy working night and day often keeping their lives on the line so that “we, the people” can know the answers to questions of national importance like “Why do dogs bark?” in the comfort of our homes every morning.
@Indibloggers: Promote the post on IndiVine here --> http://www.indiblogger.in/indipost.php?post=24280
June 27, 2010
It's not Che, its Cliché
“What’s in a name?” said Shakespeare, “That which we call a rose; by any other name would smell as sweet." – This has to be the most annoying cliché EVER! Everyone from editorial columnists to noob bloggers use it. I wonder why? Are they trying to prove that they are well versed with Shakespeare? Do they really think that we’d fall for such a lame quote? Here are some more clichés that really piss me off.
The suffix-gate scandal: Why is the Indian media trying to ape the American media? First they are naming cyclones and then they add a –gate suffix to every silly scandal! Don’t they know that the average American is considered dumb? It has been almost 35 years since Watergate scandal. The American media has moved on and we’re still giving names like Slap-gate, IPL-gate, Tweet-gate… like losers. Media people, I hate you enough already; don’t insult my intelligence.
Think outside the box: if I get to choose one phrase that I do not have to hear again, it’d be “Thinking outside the box”. “Think outside the box” is so cliché that it is now inside the box! The box has grown bigger and it has swallowed the phrase.
Isn’t it ironical that a phrase that was invented to motivate people to think beyond clichés is now a cliché? That brings me to irony. I bet half the people I am acquainted with don’t know what irony exactly means. So learn it, and do me a favor –don’t use it.
F***: I hate it when people conceal words with stars and write them as f***. Who are they trying to protect by using all those **** and @#%^? Even a twelve year old knows what f*** means. Are they trying to look polished or something? If they really want to protect the kids from the bad words, why give away the 'F'? Just print four stars and keep them guessing. However, if you insist on using it, use it like a man!
At the end of the day: This is one my all-time favorite bullshit lines. What does it even mean? “End of the day” – End of the day what? From my personal experience, people use it when they are losing an argument and it is usually followed by the words ‘it all boils down to… ’ and they repeat the same loser argument stating them as inevitable but improvable truths. Use it only if you are a loser.
Ballpark: If you are trying to impress people around you by using what you think are sophisticated words, get a life asshole! I know you picked up the word from the Economic Times. Why would any normal person right in his mind use the word ballpark when you can use the words ‘roughly’ or ‘approximately’?
To be (perfectly) honest with you: Was that person lying all this while? And what the hell is “perfectly honest”? It’s either honest or it’s dishonest. At this juncture you might be tempted to say, “The world is not black and white” but remember that is in the extended list of clichés I hate.
I’d be more than happy to: Again, do they really mean it when they say it? Seriously more than happy as in delighted, blissful, ecstatic, exalted, joyous? “I’d be rolling in ecstasy to take care of your dog for the weekend” doesn’t sound right does it? There is a reason the phrase sucks.
Literally: I have friend who literally uses literally so many times that I am beginning to think she literally. has no brains. A fly landed on her nose the other day and she said, “A fly literally landed on my nose” How can a fly non-literally land on someone’s nose? Hi honey, if you’re reading this, you can thank me by buying me a muffin. You’re welcome.
The newspapers also use it a lot. Haven’t we all heard during the election season something like, “It was literally a landslide victory”? The only scenario in which this sentence can make sense is if all the people who are planning to vote for the other guy are tragically buried alive in a landslide the day before the election. If that happens, you can hail it as a literally landslide victory.
You should give 110%: For the last time, there is no such thing as 110%. 100% is the maximum you can give. The phrase was probably coined by a frustrated basketball coach during the half time of a match his team was about to lose. Needless to say, the frustrated coach flunked math in highschool.
And finally: It's not Che, its Cliché -
This list in no way is comprehensive. I just wrote down a few I could think of. Having said that, I’d like to add that I’ll leave no stone unturned towards my campaign that seeks to end this abuse of language. If we start the campaign right away, we can still touch base and save the language in the nick of time. But I have a sneaking suspicion that, from time immemorial, intelligent people have been trying to do this but at the end of the day, I am sure that it all boils down to whether I walk the talk as well as I can talked the talk. Well some things are easier said than done.
P.S: Tweetable Thoughts is a new series of comic strips with short commentary or one-liners which will be published in gtoosphere's facebook page. Tweetable thoughts is exclusive to the facebook page, so join the page using the like-box in the side bar.
The suffix-gate scandal: Why is the Indian media trying to ape the American media? First they are naming cyclones and then they add a –gate suffix to every silly scandal! Don’t they know that the average American is considered dumb? It has been almost 35 years since Watergate scandal. The American media has moved on and we’re still giving names like Slap-gate, IPL-gate, Tweet-gate… like losers. Media people, I hate you enough already; don’t insult my intelligence.
Isn’t it ironical that a phrase that was invented to motivate people to think beyond clichés is now a cliché? That brings me to irony. I bet half the people I am acquainted with don’t know what irony exactly means. So learn it, and do me a favor –don’t use it.
F***: I hate it when people conceal words with stars and write them as f***. Who are they trying to protect by using all those **** and @#%^? Even a twelve year old knows what f*** means. Are they trying to look polished or something? If they really want to protect the kids from the bad words, why give away the 'F'? Just print four stars and keep them guessing. However, if you insist on using it, use it like a man!
At the end of the day: This is one my all-time favorite bullshit lines. What does it even mean? “End of the day” – End of the day what? From my personal experience, people use it when they are losing an argument and it is usually followed by the words ‘it all boils down to… ’ and they repeat the same loser argument stating them as inevitable but improvable truths. Use it only if you are a loser. Ballpark: If you are trying to impress people around you by using what you think are sophisticated words, get a life asshole! I know you picked up the word from the Economic Times. Why would any normal person right in his mind use the word ballpark when you can use the words ‘roughly’ or ‘approximately’?
To be (perfectly) honest with you: Was that person lying all this while? And what the hell is “perfectly honest”? It’s either honest or it’s dishonest. At this juncture you might be tempted to say, “The world is not black and white” but remember that is in the extended list of clichés I hate.
I’d be more than happy to: Again, do they really mean it when they say it? Seriously more than happy as in delighted, blissful, ecstatic, exalted, joyous? “I’d be rolling in ecstasy to take care of your dog for the weekend” doesn’t sound right does it? There is a reason the phrase sucks.
Literally: I have friend who literally uses literally so many times that I am beginning to think she literally. has no brains. A fly landed on her nose the other day and she said, “A fly literally landed on my nose” How can a fly non-literally land on someone’s nose? Hi honey, if you’re reading this, you can thank me by buying me a muffin. You’re welcome.
The newspapers also use it a lot. Haven’t we all heard during the election season something like, “It was literally a landslide victory”? The only scenario in which this sentence can make sense is if all the people who are planning to vote for the other guy are tragically buried alive in a landslide the day before the election. If that happens, you can hail it as a literally landslide victory.
You should give 110%: For the last time, there is no such thing as 110%. 100% is the maximum you can give. The phrase was probably coined by a frustrated basketball coach during the half time of a match his team was about to lose. Needless to say, the frustrated coach flunked math in highschool.
And finally: It's not Che, its Cliché -
This list in no way is comprehensive. I just wrote down a few I could think of. Having said that, I’d like to add that I’ll leave no stone unturned towards my campaign that seeks to end this abuse of language. If we start the campaign right away, we can still touch base and save the language in the nick of time. But I have a sneaking suspicion that, from time immemorial, intelligent people have been trying to do this but at the end of the day, I am sure that it all boils down to whether I walk the talk as well as I can talked the talk. Well some things are easier said than done.
P.S: Tweetable Thoughts is a new series of comic strips with short commentary or one-liners which will be published in gtoosphere's facebook page. Tweetable thoughts is exclusive to the facebook page, so join the page using the like-box in the side bar.
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