Phony friends and their Cell Phones

Cell phones have penetrated so much into our lives that we hardly notice how much of a pain the ass they are. Mind you I am not ranting about mobile phones or technology. Technology is good but can we say the same about our friends?

Chapter 1: The "Guess who?" Routine

After having endured a reasonably excruciating shopping session (all shopping is excruciating) with a friend at a mall, I treated myself with a little scoop of Gelato. So now I have the Gelato in my right hand and a reasonably heavy shopping bag in my left. I was halfway through the slurping when my phone started ringing.

My hands were full, it was quite noisy around and it was definitely not the best place or time to have a phone conversation. What else could I have done? For it is a call from an unknown num!

Why why why do people do that? Forget people, why would a dude do that? To another dude? I just cannot imagine a social situation where I would enjoy the guess-who routine from a guy! If the sole intention is to display what a cool guy you are, you may be losing some audience here!

How to deal with these kind of people:

Did someone just call you from an unknown number and say “guess who"? Don't worry.

If it is a guy, all you have to do is say something like this in a very angry tone, "You? Oh you son of a bitch! The nerve on you to call me like this! You said you’ll give me back my twenty thousand by last week. You never called back; you don’t even return my calls. WHAT THE HELL MAN? WHERE’S MY MONEY?"

Feel free to use expletives to bring the required effect. If you fake your rage carefully on the phone... the other person will get a little worried and confess, "Hey… you must be confused. It’s me Rakesh" after which you say something like, “Oh Rakesh? Sorry yaar I thought it was someone else. He sounds just like you. He is such an asshole! Never mind... How are you?..."

Problem solved and you can be pretty sure wont attempt that with anyone any time soon! If it’s a girl, it is easier. If a girl calls you and says, “Guess who?” all you have to do is start guessing… “Wait a second, I know this voice. You must be Shalini. No, not Shalini. Is it Priya?… Hey Priya! Umm… May be not. Is it Sagarika? No, it can't be. Sagarika's voice is a lot sexier. Ah! Now I’m know. You must be Divya. Or may be Pooja… yes either Divya or Pooja… Hi Divya or Pooja, what’s up? Long time huh?”

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a gtoosphere guarantee that the next thing she utters will reveal her identity. You’re welcome!

Chapter 2: A perspective on time

Some people are not born with a sense of perspective for time. Let me give you an example. I called this school friend of mine with whom I haven’t spoken in 6 years. It was around 11:30 on a Saturday morning and the conversation went like this:

Isn’t it great to have a friend like that? A friend who is only concerned only about your immediate past? Thank you Sandhya for sharing all the useful information! If anyone asks me, "How’s Sandhya", I can now confidently answer, "Yes, she had awesome Sambar for breakfast sometime last month!"

How to deal with these kind of people:

Well you don’t have to. You haven’t talked to her in six years and you were doing fine all along. Why disturb the equilibrium?

Chapter 3: The Guess-Your-Mood Mode:

This usually happens in long distance relationships. If you’re in different time zones, it is even more screwed up. Imagine you are in the US and your girlfriend is in India. She had a nice day, a satisfying dinner, cuddles up in bed at 10 in the night whereas you in America are late to work, just spilled cereal on your shirt, took the wrong exit and are stuck in traffic. Then the phone rings and it’s your girl who happens to be in the mood for some chit chat. There’s your disaster waiting to happen.

Or it could be the other way round. You had a great weekend and are ready to hit the sack on Sunday night and you want to talk about the awesome beach trip you just came back from while your girlfriend is having a bad day at office on the Monday morning.

You have no way of knowing that she is having a bad day at office. You call her up and fill in all the details with a lot of enthusiasm while all there is on the other side is relative silence. Finally she breaks the silence and says something like, "Can’t you see from my silence that I am in a bad mood?"

How the hell can one "see" bad mood from silence? If the girlfriend in question is talking, may be it is possible to guess something from her voice but from silence? What is this pressure of having to guess the mood of the other person while talking on the phone? Well excuse me for being human who gets over 80% of sensory information visually from facial expression and body language! I’m really sorry. I cannot think a more romantic way to put it. My left ear cannot fill the void left by my two eyes that cannot see you!

How to deal with these kind of people:

You can’t. You’re screwed. I’m Sorry.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S are like this

Continued from the previous post:  Don't use the P-words

Chapter three: Your F.R.I.E.N.D.S are like this!

Say you are going through a bad phase and you have a few problems in life. You pour out your problems to your trusted good friend and she (or he) nonchalantly reassures you, “Don’t worry, everything's going to be fine”? Have you ever wondered how your friend knows that it is going to be fine? What if it is never going to be fine? What if it gets worse and worse and worse for the rest of your life and then you die?

Of course your friend does not think through all this before confidently prophesizing that everything is going to be “fine”. If you question their self-fulfilling prophecy, she (or he) will accuse you of being negative and pessimistic! They might also give you a half glass full of crappy optimistic shit to pep you up. In this scenario, your friend is just being politically correct!

When people (friends are people too) are not interested in your problems they tend say stuff like “be positive”, “don’t worry”, “everything’s going be fine” et cetera etc. and trust me, they say this only because they are not sincerely interested in your problems. It’s an open secret. We are all part of the hypocrisy. My friends do it to me and I do it to my friends. I am sure your friends do it all the time and so do you.

bursting the bubble feels good sometimes

If you do not agree with my observation, I really hate to burst the bubble for you sweetheart (or random dude, if you are male) but the reality is that

Truth is bitter
Your friends are like that
People are selfish
Everything is getting worse
There is no such thing as a reasonable woman
All reality TV is staged
"Free and fair elections" is a joke
The system is rigged
Life’s not fair and
God doesn’t care

I know the whole theory is very depressing and hard to digest but “hey, be positive because everything’s going to be just fine”. :p :p :p.

P.S: If you are an indiblogger and you like this, please promote this post in indivine --->here

Edit: Just adding to the above observations, I feel that people who are bad listeners tend to do this more than people who are good listeners... Its one of those after thoughts

Dont use the P-words

Chapter one: The Offensive Poll

I ran into a poll by BBC which wanted to determine the list of ten most offensive words to use towards people with disabilities. Guess what is third on the list? Disabled! I understand opposition for words like "cripple" and "nigger" but if a person with disability is actually offended by the word disabled, I seriously wonder how he gets on with life as it is! If you are forced to describe a poor, blind, homeless man as an economically disadvantaged, visually challenged person with flexible residence, then something is seriously very wrong with the world!

George Costanza, the differently haired, differently tall,
gravitationally challenged, differently successful and
differently quick witted friend of Jerry Seinfeld in Seinfeld 

Incidents like these reinforce my belief that political correctness (PC) is nothing but putting a handicap disability “different ability” on language! Incidents like these  support my theory that political correctness (like Feminism) has been hijacked by a few bitter self-appointed vigilantes imposing their views on others.

Speaking of political correctness activists, who are they to decide what is correct and what is incorrect. How dare they even use the word “incorrect”? As an occasionally politically correct person, I demand that the word “politically incorrect” henceforth be replaced by the word “politically differently correct”!

Chapter two: The Ghosts of our Time

Don’t you see the conspiracy behind the whole political correctness movement? The corporations which control the mainstream media are slowly brainwashing the whole young generation into a culture of political correctness and tolerance so that in the future, they (the corporations) can get away with anything by using sweet politically correct words that blunt reality. So in the future, if we protest against them, they will call it a hate speech and if we don’t agree with them, they will brand us as intolerant.

This way the international bankers who fund the corporations want to control the people with their linguistic fascist whip of political correctness! (I never realized that writing a Zeitgeist movie can be this easy!)

Free Unsolicited for the week: Don't use the P-words because they are for wusses.
 
Continued here

P.S: Inspired by the works of George Carlin and an article by Son of Bosey