Breaking News -- seriously

Like I have mentioned before in one of my earlier posts, I have an offer from The NRI magazine to be one of their contributors and my first article has been published today. The article combines two of my favorite areas - the news media and stand up comedy and is named Breaking News: India Needs a Comic Relief. I insist you check it out here --> http://www.the-nri.com/index.php/2010/07/why-does-indian-media-not-offer-serious-reporting-of-news/

P.S: I know this might freak you out a little bit but trust me, gtoosphere will be updated with the same tempo :D

The (Bad) Times of India and the Final Solution

Population Control: The Final Solution

The Indian male is like a global average of all men of all races, ethnicities, regions or any other parameter you can think of. The average Indian male is brown, average height, average intelligence, average build, and also unfortunately average well you know :-T which is why a lot of them are from time to time, can get a little insecure. In the movies (especially the South Indian ones), it’s relatively easy for the hero. He can just kill a hundred people or control an angry bull with his bare hands (or both at the same time depending on the script) and the heroine half his age will fall for his rugged “manliness” and bushy moustache!

But the average HIM (Horny Indian Male) in Shivpuri district, Madhya Pradesh doesn’t have the luxuries of a South Indian film star. So as a symbol of manhood he fathers children, lots of them. Shivpuri district has about 5.1 children per couple, probably the highest in India! The bureaucrats there, who were supposed to keep the population explosion in check, were having a hard time educating HIM about the inconvenience of having too many kids around. And just when they thought they were losing the battle, they have come up with a brilliant solution.

I may have accused the bureaucrats of being problem solvers of the worst kind in the recent past but this time, no sarcasm intended, they have done a really good job. What they have done is that they are offering firearms permits in exchange for vasectomy surgery. In other words, the government is giving guns as a symbol of masculinity to insecure men with average size things if they choose to become sterile! Can you think of a better population control strategy? Pure brilliance!

Don’t believe me? See for yourselves: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article3593874.ece

The (Bad) Times of India

Remember when I wrote that the Times of India does not want us to read the news? As a next step to prevent us from reading the news, The Times of India has stopped reporting the news. I recently chanced upon an article that sprawled across half a page. If it is half a page, I thought it must be important news. I realized how naïve I was because the article was about Adnan Sami’s dogs.

Apparently, Adnan Sami got married for the third time and has been in Germany with his wife for the last couple of months. His poor dogs have been missing him and have been barking a lot lately. So the pissed off neighbors tipped off TOI journalist Vicky Lalwani, one of India’s best EJs (epic journalist) about the situation and soon he was on his investigation trail looking for clues.

EJ Vicky interrogated the watchman of the building first. The watchman was a tough nut to crack; he wouldn’t give away anything except for a series of blank stares. But EJ Vicky at his usual vicious best grilled him for half an hour and the watchman finally broke down and confessed, “It would be best if you speak to his servant Ram — he has been with Adnan for a long time”

Wasting no time waiting for the elevator, Vicky ran up dozens of flights of stairs and soon confronted Ram. This time he meant business -

Not convinced with the web of lies and ugly cover-ups everyone has been making, EJ Vicky smelled something fishy out there. To set things straight, he called Adnan’s close friend who, for the sake of convenience, "shall not be named". The friend-who-shall-not-be-named probably told EJ Vicky to go get a life. So Vicky concludes that Adnan might actually be in Pakistan spending time with his family and now hopes that he would return soon for the sake of the canines.

The funniest thing about the whole article was that I did not even have to exaggerate anything! People who read Times of India deserve this shit --> http://bit.ly/do5Cuc

P.S: This article is dedicated to all those brave and courageous people like EJ Vicky who are the fourth pillar of democracy working night and day often keeping their lives on the line so that “we, the people” can know the answers to questions of national importance like “Why do dogs bark?” in the comfort of our homes every morning.

@Indibloggers: Promote the post on IndiVine here --> http://www.indiblogger.in/indipost.php?post=24280

TOI doesn't want us to read the news

Yes, The Times of India, the largest selling English newspaper in India doesn't want us to read the news. If you think I am exaggerating, fair enough. I am giving TOI, the benefit of doubt. May be they do want us to read the news, but clearly, they don't want us to go past the first two headlines. How else would you explain this?



The layout of the website is perfect. On the left, we have the "Top Stories" and on the right, we have things to distract us from reading the "Top Stories". Even if you are really curious about what is happening in the world, the crap on the right keeps popping into your head while reading the stuff on the left. So there is a good chance you might mix the two and end up reading the news like this.
* 'Grounded' US plane cleared for taking off Best Cleavage in B-Town...
* Pakistan's military said on Sunday that 60 Taliban militants and five soldiers were Babes dare to bare!

I think TOI is the only newspaper that has got its priorities right:
Topless pics first, OTHER TOP STORIES later.

P.S: Hindustan Times and DNA have their homepages full of real news. No wonder neither of them is "India's Largest Selling English Newspaper"

STATUTORY WARNING: This is what too much of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart does to you.