The Deported!

Prologue

A bunch of Indian students are facing deportation because Tri Valley University in California was found to be a sham institute. Some of the students were even radio tagged which made folks in India mildly outraged about how the US treats it’s illegal immigrants. One can’t really help but feel sorry for the poor students who are being treated as criminals – their only crime? Dreaming for quality higher education! But wait, do they really deserve our sympathy?

Taking their chances

but you can have brahmi's

Before declaring my sympathy towards a person/group, I have to do some background checks. Of the 1500 odd students facing deportation, I am sure that some of the students already knew (or suspected) that the university was a sham but were desperate to go to the US so that they can look like they have achieved something in life. These students took a gamble that US authorities won’t catch them and it did not work out! Tough luck and welcome back, you don’t deserve my sympathies.

The Rest

It would be wrong to say that all the students were aware of the risks. Some of them  probably genuinely thought that Tri-Valley University is an awesome place of higher learning. I think I have enough evidence to call them naive and due to my strict “Never feel sorry for the stupid” policy, they get no sympathy either!

Here’s why I am calling them stupid:

The website

This is the screen shot of their website www.trivalleyuniversity.org

Welcome

That was all from the first look. Let’s go into the finer details now. Now what the hell is a Christian scientist?

Faith Statement

Text:

Tri-Valley University is a Christian Higher Education Institution centripetal in Trinity, centrifugal and radiating from Trinity, the Center, to encompass diverse spheres of academic study and learning.
 

A rather generic question

Why join?

If the number one reason to join their institute is a christian learning environment, may be we should check their accreditation. I'm just saying!

Research

Now this is easily the funniest page of the website. I mean they have over 13 laptops and 5 desktops with both windows and linux! Who else has that many? Let me think... my hostel wing, an internet cafe in Rajahmundry, A primary school in West Bengal, the Engineering college in Stewartpuram, Pithapuram Railway station...

Accreditation

To be fair, TVU did mention in their website that they don't have all the required accreditation!

Alumni

I am sure that all the students who have applied there must have visited their website at least once which means that all students there are either taking their chances or are genuinely stupid to fall for it. Either ways, they don't have my sympathies. Special thanks to http://www.campusghanta.com/ for the inspiration for this post.

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News is always entertaining if you read it after a month!

Don't believe me? Let me illustrate!

Prologue:

If you’re a politician planning to go on an indefinite fast in Andhra Pradesh and wondering what time of the year is good – December it is! The summers are too hot and dehydrating. The monsoons are not conducive for sitting in open grounds in public places. January has Sankranti – the most important festival for Telugu people which leaves December to be the perfect month for fasting.

December continues to be the most entertaining month. Unexpected cyclonic rains damaged the winter crop in coastal regions of the state. The govt. promptly announced a Rs. 400 crore relief package along with interest waivers on loans. But few politicians were of the opinion that 400 crore is not enough! What followed was a three way passive aggressive non-violent battle of the hungry, for the hungry by the power-hungry! Let’s look at the events as they happened.

Chapter 1: Y. S. Jaganmohan Reddy

If a person holding a government job dies young while in duty or otherwise, the govt. arranges for his son/daughter/spouse to have the deceased person’s job to ensure financial security for the family. Y. S Jagan thought that the same rule applied for the post of Chief Minister too! So when his father Y. S Rajashekhara Reddy died in a helicopter crash, Jagan felt he deserved to be the CM but Sonia told him it doesn’t work that way.

What ensued was a long, hard and bitter break-up with the congress party which resulted in Jagan starting his own political party. Being the youngest political party craving for attention, Jagan felt that he can best serve the affected farmers by going on a fast for two days (conveniently over a weekend).

Chapter 2: Chandrababu Naidu

People have long been telling him that he had no right to feel sorry for the poor farmers because he neglected them when he was the Chief Minister. But deep inside, Naidu is not the kind of a person who wouldn't help farmers if there is an opportunity to make breaking news.

Being the fiercely competitive person he is, Naidu tried to out-help Jagan by demanding even more than what Jagan is demanding for the farmers! While Jagan demanded only better compensation, Naidu wanted the cyclone to be declared as a National calamity! Jagan went on a two day fast over the weekend. Naidu did an indefinite fast which lasted 8 days (falling one short of KCR’s 9 day fast last December)

Chapter 3: The Congress

Needless to say, the congress didn't give a rat’s ass about their colleagues in the opposition. However, all the fast and the furious business brought back memories of being in the opposition for a few congress MPs and in a fit of nostalgia, they announced that they are going on a fast even though what they wanted was a phone call away!

They demanded that criminal cases against criminal students (who had fun burning buses and damaging public property protesting for a separate Telangana last December) be dropped by the govt. The MPs skipped a meal and the cases were dropped!

Chapter 4: The Media

Three hunger strikes from the three biggest parties in a span of ten days! The breaking news media couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present. Both Jagan’s and Naidu’s fasts were covered exclusively by the media. The usual attractions like media’s hyperactive concern for their health, trying to extract redundant information medical from doctors with poor communication skills, bus burning ceremonies and intravenous force feeding etc. were a huge hit!

Often, the media was confused on who deserved more attention. A lot of celebrities visited Jagan during his fast whereas Naidu’s health was failing. Ordinary folks, these are no ordinary dilemmas for the media to solve!

NTV (Naidu’s friend channel) led from the front by flashing Naidu’s live blood pressure and blood sugar levels setting the standard for covering future hunger strikes! Notable performances from the print media include The Times of India as it rose to the occasion and declared Jagan as the winner in a sort-of-editorial piece titled “Y. S Jagan's fast better than Naidu's?”

Chapter 5: The Farmers

Farmers? What farmers?

The (Bad) Times of India and the Final Solution

Population Control: The Final Solution

The Indian male is like a global average of all men of all races, ethnicities, regions or any other parameter you can think of. The average Indian male is brown, average height, average intelligence, average build, and also unfortunately average well you know :-T which is why a lot of them are from time to time, can get a little insecure. In the movies (especially the South Indian ones), it’s relatively easy for the hero. He can just kill a hundred people or control an angry bull with his bare hands (or both at the same time depending on the script) and the heroine half his age will fall for his rugged “manliness” and bushy moustache!

But the average HIM (Horny Indian Male) in Shivpuri district, Madhya Pradesh doesn’t have the luxuries of a South Indian film star. So as a symbol of manhood he fathers children, lots of them. Shivpuri district has about 5.1 children per couple, probably the highest in India! The bureaucrats there, who were supposed to keep the population explosion in check, were having a hard time educating HIM about the inconvenience of having too many kids around. And just when they thought they were losing the battle, they have come up with a brilliant solution.

I may have accused the bureaucrats of being problem solvers of the worst kind in the recent past but this time, no sarcasm intended, they have done a really good job. What they have done is that they are offering firearms permits in exchange for vasectomy surgery. In other words, the government is giving guns as a symbol of masculinity to insecure men with average size things if they choose to become sterile! Can you think of a better population control strategy? Pure brilliance!

Don’t believe me? See for yourselves: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article3593874.ece

The (Bad) Times of India

Remember when I wrote that the Times of India does not want us to read the news? As a next step to prevent us from reading the news, The Times of India has stopped reporting the news. I recently chanced upon an article that sprawled across half a page. If it is half a page, I thought it must be important news. I realized how naïve I was because the article was about Adnan Sami’s dogs.

Apparently, Adnan Sami got married for the third time and has been in Germany with his wife for the last couple of months. His poor dogs have been missing him and have been barking a lot lately. So the pissed off neighbors tipped off TOI journalist Vicky Lalwani, one of India’s best EJs (epic journalist) about the situation and soon he was on his investigation trail looking for clues.

EJ Vicky interrogated the watchman of the building first. The watchman was a tough nut to crack; he wouldn’t give away anything except for a series of blank stares. But EJ Vicky at his usual vicious best grilled him for half an hour and the watchman finally broke down and confessed, “It would be best if you speak to his servant Ram — he has been with Adnan for a long time”

Wasting no time waiting for the elevator, Vicky ran up dozens of flights of stairs and soon confronted Ram. This time he meant business -

Not convinced with the web of lies and ugly cover-ups everyone has been making, EJ Vicky smelled something fishy out there. To set things straight, he called Adnan’s close friend who, for the sake of convenience, "shall not be named". The friend-who-shall-not-be-named probably told EJ Vicky to go get a life. So Vicky concludes that Adnan might actually be in Pakistan spending time with his family and now hopes that he would return soon for the sake of the canines.

The funniest thing about the whole article was that I did not even have to exaggerate anything! People who read Times of India deserve this shit --> http://bit.ly/do5Cuc

P.S: This article is dedicated to all those brave and courageous people like EJ Vicky who are the fourth pillar of democracy working night and day often keeping their lives on the line so that “we, the people” can know the answers to questions of national importance like “Why do dogs bark?” in the comfort of our homes every morning.

@Indibloggers: Promote the post on IndiVine here --> http://www.indiblogger.in/indipost.php?post=24280

Dont use the P-words

Chapter one: The Offensive Poll

I ran into a poll by BBC which wanted to determine the list of ten most offensive words to use towards people with disabilities. Guess what is third on the list? Disabled! I understand opposition for words like "cripple" and "nigger" but if a person with disability is actually offended by the word disabled, I seriously wonder how he gets on with life as it is! If you are forced to describe a poor, blind, homeless man as an economically disadvantaged, visually challenged person with flexible residence, then something is seriously very wrong with the world!

George Costanza, the differently haired, differently tall,
gravitationally challenged, differently successful and
differently quick witted friend of Jerry Seinfeld in Seinfeld 

Incidents like these reinforce my belief that political correctness (PC) is nothing but putting a handicap disability “different ability” on language! Incidents like these  support my theory that political correctness (like Feminism) has been hijacked by a few bitter self-appointed vigilantes imposing their views on others.

Speaking of political correctness activists, who are they to decide what is correct and what is incorrect. How dare they even use the word “incorrect”? As an occasionally politically correct person, I demand that the word “politically incorrect” henceforth be replaced by the word “politically differently correct”!

Chapter two: The Ghosts of our Time

Don’t you see the conspiracy behind the whole political correctness movement? The corporations which control the mainstream media are slowly brainwashing the whole young generation into a culture of political correctness and tolerance so that in the future, they (the corporations) can get away with anything by using sweet politically correct words that blunt reality. So in the future, if we protest against them, they will call it a hate speech and if we don’t agree with them, they will brand us as intolerant.

This way the international bankers who fund the corporations want to control the people with their linguistic fascist whip of political correctness! (I never realized that writing a Zeitgeist movie can be this easy!)

Free Unsolicited for the week: Don't use the P-words because they are for wusses.
 
Continued here

P.S: Inspired by the works of George Carlin and an article by Son of Bosey

TOI doesn't want us to read the news

Yes, The Times of India, the largest selling English newspaper in India doesn't want us to read the news. If you think I am exaggerating, fair enough. I am giving TOI, the benefit of doubt. May be they do want us to read the news, but clearly, they don't want us to go past the first two headlines. How else would you explain this?



The layout of the website is perfect. On the left, we have the "Top Stories" and on the right, we have things to distract us from reading the "Top Stories". Even if you are really curious about what is happening in the world, the crap on the right keeps popping into your head while reading the stuff on the left. So there is a good chance you might mix the two and end up reading the news like this.
* 'Grounded' US plane cleared for taking off Best Cleavage in B-Town...
* Pakistan's military said on Sunday that 60 Taliban militants and five soldiers were Babes dare to bare!

I think TOI is the only newspaper that has got its priorities right:
Topless pics first, OTHER TOP STORIES later.

P.S: Hindustan Times and DNA have their homepages full of real news. No wonder neither of them is "India's Largest Selling English Newspaper"

STATUTORY WARNING: This is what too much of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart does to you.