December 18, 2010

The g2k Syndrome

This is really serious!

The other day, I was checking out some 1994 movie on IMDB and thought, “1994 – that’s fairly recent”. Ten seconds later, I recoiled in horror after I realized that the movie is 16 years old and Meg Ryan is now past menopause! This other time, I was reading about Claudia Schiffer where she was mentioned as an icon of last century’s fashion which got me thinking “Since when did Claudia Schiffer belong to the 1800s?” Again it took me a good 10 seconds to realize that by last century they meant the 1990s! These are by no means isolated incidents.

It is almost the end of 2010 but arithmentally, (a word that I just invented) it still feels something close to the year 2000 especially when calculating how old someone/something is! Does this happen to you? When I say 1997, do you perceive it as fairly recent or 13 years back or both? If you feel it is “fairly recent”, then you may be suffering from “the g2k syndrome!” You better be alarmed because unlike the Y2K, the g2k is for real!

Other symptoms include selective memory loss, can’t remember birthdays and thinks celebrating New Year is silly! Like most diseases named after awesome people, there is no new cure for g2k’s. However the symptoms can be overcome to an extent by dealing with embarrassing situations with an awesome sense of humor.

Like most other incurable diseases, it is very important to diagnose this early. Also I am very curious to know more about the disease so kindly take a couple of seconds to fill up this form.

As a kid, I always wanted to have a disease named after me and now through a combination of perseverance, procrastination and sucking at math, I have made my dream a reality (suck on that James Parkinson!)
The g2k ribbon -
Twice the size and
half the seriousness

Please spread awareness about this really curious condition by sharing this blog post among your friends via email, twitter, facebook or whatever it takes to make sure everyone knows about this by Christmas! Also keep this G-ribbon image as your facebook profile pic for a week so that everyone knows about MY condition – a condition that even YOU and thousand others are probably suffering silently! 

November 17, 2010

The Great Indian Shopping Mall


For the last ten years or so, India has been arriving at the world stage only to retreat again. Every time something nice happens in India, the media hails “India has truly arrived at the world stage” The euphoria lasts for a couple of days after which the columnists strike back and remind us on how we have not “truly” arrived...

So what is new in India? Let me sum it up for you in one word – Malls.

Read: The Great Indian Mall @

P.S: It has some New Rules

P.P.S: Also I think it is important to mention that my whole "new rules" thing is inspired from Bill Maher's New Rules segment in Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO.

November 13, 2010

New Rules for a Better World -- Episode 2.0

A couple of weeks back, I embarked upon a quest to change the world for the better. I intended to do it by sitting in my chair and delegating some new rules. And then, I took a break, burst some crackers, had an awesome Diwali. And now I am back with more rules, *follow them*!

New Rule

Not every statement you type on facebook deserves a smiley!

Don't people use punctuations anymore? I don't want to come across as a grammar Nazi but what the hell does, “Hey long time how are you :p” even mean?

Folks, :p is a very special smiley. It's one of the best there is! It's the only way you can abuse people without offending them. Use them judiciously and with purpose. Stop abusing :p!
The power of :p

New Rule

Married female bloggers, stop mentioning your husbands as ‘A’, ‘P’, ‘E’ or whatever the first letter of his first name is!

This is a very minor thing but I still feel it needs to be addressed. I wonder why married women have trouble mentioning their husbands' name in their blogs. It's not very uncommon for a married woman to write something like, “I was having this incredibly romantic and wonderful dream where I almost hugged Shah Rukh Khan in Switzerland but ‘D’ woke me up with his trademark snore

Why the 'D'? What can possibly be so sensitive about a man’s first name? It’s not like some hot Swede is going to stalk him or snatch him, especially with all that snoring!

New Rule

We need more mirrors everywhere!
Sorry but I couldn't think
of any one else :p
There are a lot of malls and shops with glass doors in Mumbai but clearly they are not enough. Haven’t we all seen fat girls with really high self-esteem dressing up like a size-zero Kareena Kapoor and walking around with their shopping bags? They’re the reason we need more mirrors on every wall. We need to show them what they are inflicting upon us lesser mortals!

All such people, may be fitting into those clothes is an achievement for you, an achievement that you are probably proud of. Optimism is a fine lifestyle choice. I don't want to deflate your "I can fit into this" spirit but try stay out of public places while you're at it.

Why single out fat people in tight clothes, let's add all those brown people with blonde streaks on their hair to the list. They are the worst!

New Rule

Just because Picasa 3 has an “upload to facebook” button does not mean you upload EVERY pic!

Do you have friends who upload their pics direct from the digital camera to facebook without any editing, filtering, or quality control of any sort? I know you do. Chances are that it’s a chick with like 2000 profile pics! All of us have friends like that. It is one of those shared experiences that make us human.

All these people do is pose click upload, pose click upload, pose click upload… Their albums are infinite loops of badly focused duplicate pictures with someone in the background picking his nose! Why can't they spend some time filtering out those bad pics? It’s not like they don’t have time to filter them out. After all, they are on facebook 12 hours a day tagging 300 people in each photo! They just don't have standards. The world would be much better with some standards don’t you think? You’re welcome!

There's a reason pics like these should not be uploaded!
P.S: Indibloggers, this post on indivine here -->

October 31, 2010

New Rules for a Better World -- Episode I


Normally I am never busy, NEVER! But the last three weeks have been tough. Probably for the first time in my life, I’ve been really busy! All this busy-ness made me angry and frustrated that the world is not a perfect place (if it is, I’d never be busy in the first place!) And now I want to dedicate the rest of my life to help (in my own small way) transform this world a better place to live. I plan to achieve that by proposing some new rules now and then -- here goes!

New Rule

Tweeters: I happened to tweet my first new rule @twit2g2

New Rule

The only time people should be allowed to say, “I love my mom!” is when they are explicitly asked, “Do you love your Mom?” 

Now you may think what could be wrong in saying that. There is nothing wrong with the concept, it just insults my intelligence. This is how an innocent rant about the quality of mess sambar is converted into a fake Bollywood interview.

I don’t know if girls pick this habit from Koffee with Karan or the Filmfare magazine but they better realize that they do not have to go out of their way to say that they love their parents. It is assumed you love your mom unless otherwise stated!

New Rule

If someone is smoking 10 feet away from you, you’re not passive smoking, you’re just passive smelling!

I am a neutral nonsmoker. I don’t mind if people smoke around me. I don't really enjoy the odour but I do not put a disgusted expression on my face nor do I wave my hands in front of my nose and follow it up with a condescending stare at the smoker. But I am afraid we’re a dying species!

Nonsmokers are increasingly turning into obnoxious self-righteous assholes who just can’t stand anyone smoking in their vicinity! The worst part is that they think they're doing a favor to humanity which is followed by an exemplary display of moral highhandedness! When you question if their behavior is fair towards the smokers, they always give that passive smoking bullshit.

I agree that passive smoking is dangerous if you work for 10 hours a day in an ill-ventilated office full of smokers but when you’re 10 feet away in an open space? Come on… You can’t inhale the smoke even if you want to. You just get a scent! And not liking a smell is not a valid reason to claim a high moral ground! If you don’t like the smell, it is your problem. I don’t like the smell of public toilets but I don’t go around telling people not to pee do I?

New Rule

Not every intelligent quip or a silly coincidence is an Inception reference!

Aren’t you tired of inception references, especially the ones that got nothing to do with the movie itself? After a lame inception reference, don’t you feel catching the culprit by the collar and yell at him, “How… how is that anything like inception?” You don’t feel like that? Well, I do.

I was walking to class with a PHD guy after a particularly wholesome lunch feeling like a python that just swallowed an alligator. I casually remarked to him, “I am feeling so lethargic that if an accident were to happen here, I wouldn’t rush to help the person!” Just two minutes after I said that, some guy fell down from the bus near the bus stop! The PHD guy turns to me and says, “Wow that was like inception!

It makes me wonder, how come anything slightly intelligent or mildly coincidental is now seen as an inception reference? I think it is intelligence that is becoming uncommon… almost like a dream we vaguely remember!

P.S: For the record, I never hang out with PHDs.

Indibloggers.. this post on indivine here -->

October 13, 2010

Padma Awards: High time we question them

For those who don’t know me personally, most friends call me g2. I am in a long term relationship with c2, my imaginary cat! c2 speaks with a sexy Spanish accent like Penelope Cruz while g2 whines like Woody Allen. Read the rest of our conversation my new article at The NRI here -->

October 6, 2010

Really weird Google searches that have led people onto my blog!

I thought I should get an insight into what my readers are like. So I went through my Google Analytics data and now I really really regret my decision because the insights are very disturbing to say the least. Below is the list of really weird Google searches that have led people to my blog in no particular order!

Seriously Google? I stick to blogger even though Wordpress is so much better. I work for 5 hours on each blog entry and  this is what I get in return?

I am no expert on Hindu culture but I am guessing the answer to be bad luck!

I am hoping for the sake of the poor spider that it is not the same person who asked both the questions!

Yes, that is why they are still animals. Had they been working instead of procrastinating, they’d have evolved into procrastinating humans by now :p -->

Excuse this guy, that was “beautiful pigeon” spelt in Bihari (I think)

I am sure  you're disappointed that you did not find what you were looking for, so here it is -->

I know I can get a little wacky from time to time but I never thought I’d make a dent on the brand image of IIT Bombay!

Hey doofus, IIT does not offer any courses to the general public. This is a “premier” institute that offers “premier” education to the “premier” intellectual royalty of India!

I won’t dignify that question with a response!

You got that one right!

Wait... Whaat? The first thing that came to my mind after reading this question was “chillara naa yaala”!

This is where Google searches get really creepy!

Wow, even I never thought of Googling that! So once, I saw this, I just couldn’t resist but Googling the same and this is what I got in the results! It is not one of those phone numbers that are scratched on the walls of sleeper class toilets in trains! This girl actually turned out to be quite funny... you should try it too!

Not a good idea sweetheart, not a good idea especially with blogs like these around!

Hey, that was offensive! I am guessing Google was showing my blog to convince him/her that we’re NOT

Dude, I think the CIA is searching for you :p

September 20, 2010

Interview with Aam Aadmi part 2

Most of my regular readers know that I write at The NRI. A couple of weeks back, I wrote this article called Interview with aam aadmi and it got a lot of attention... here is the second part of it -->

You might be wondering what the dog from UP is doing here... well the thing is, I know that you have an attention span approximately equal to 'Dug' the dog and this image is just to make you click on the link to the post...
P.S: I can think of a lot of images that will attract even more attention but I wanted to keep this PG13 :p

September 12, 2010

Atheist Ad Sense

The Dude vs The Pope

Last week when I was doing research for the Jesus vs. Gul Panag article, I followed a trail of links that led me to a few atheist websites. The interesting thing about these websites is that they always have “Convert to so-and-so religion” ads popping up where “so-and-so” is either Christianity or Islam, mostly Christianity. Yes atheist websites have conversion ads and Jesus Christ is marketed as aggressively as GI-Joe!

Converting is now as easy as 1-2-3... just enter your email address and click "Yes"
...and while you are at it, chat with Asif :) 
Let’s suppose our dude (of Meter Jam fame) is an atheist who thinks religion is a state of mental disorder. (The dude is a fan of Bill Maher) The dude goes to an atheist website to catch up and socialize with fellow atheist dudes. The atheist organizations are not very well funded. Apparently saying "whatever you believe in is bullshit" to people is not a great business model! To raise a little money, these websites put up Google Ads in their pages. The chances that our staunchly atheist dude embraces a religion because of a Google ad is very low! If you think of it, it’s even a little stupid to place that ad there in the first place.

follow the money trail... 
The dude can either ignore the ads or click on them. If he ignores the ads, nothing really happens. We all know that if the dude clicks on the ad, then the atheist website gets some money from Google which is interesting. Let us follow the money trail...

With Google as the middle man, the Church is indirectly funding the Atheist websites so that the atheists can abuse the Church! This abusing will only make it more popular in Google searches etc. which will drive more traffic to the website which translates to more money from Google! Who's paying more money to Google again? The Church!!!

Conclusion: The Dude is smarter than The Pope

The Pope Ain't that dumb!

The Pope as we know, throughout history has always tried to have more people in his club. The Pope always wants more people. But where are all the people? The American market is saturated and Europe is in a slump. The middle-east has a lot of brand loyalty! So, like most international business houses, the Pope is now concentrating on the emerging markets namely, India and China! And they have a pretty good business model too.

A lot of good Christians in Texas, Norway etc. donate a lot of money towards helping the poor and the downtrodden in Asia through Christian missionaries. With that money, a small branch office (Church) is set up in a remote village. Times are not good for the poor village folk. One such fisherman in the village loses his boat in the storm. The fisherman’s family is hungry. The fisherman is helpless. The fisherman has lost all hope.

On a bright Sunday morning perfect for fishing, the fisherman walks by the Church, depressed, dejected and vulnerable. He sees the miracle box outside the Church. Yes these Churches have miracle boxes and miracle prayer sessions on Sundays! All you have to do is write a wishlist and it'll happen! The fisherman has nothing to lose. So he writes how badly he needs a boat on a piece of paper and drops it into the miracle box.

A few weeks pass by. Things do not improve and one cold gloomy morning, the fisherman finds a new boat outside his house and lo! It’s a Christmas miracle! The fisherman is now convinced that Jesus saved him! The fisherman converts, so does his family… and slowly the whole village and then the whole district! It’s a pretty successful business model. It worked great in Kerala and the Northeast. It is working pretty well in Orissa and Andhra Pradesh too! The dude may be smarter than The Pope but mind you, The Pope is not dumb… getting 2 billion people into your club ain’t easy!

@Indibloggers... promote this post on Indivine here -->

September 3, 2010

Jesus Christ and Gul Panag are stalking me!

Jesus Christ and Gul Panag, I wonder what they have in common! I don’t personally know them but they don’t look like the kind of people that would hang out together on a Friday night, do they? (No offense Jesus!). Over the last weekend, I asked this question to myself over and over again! What do Gul Panag and Jesus Christ have in common?

Trust me on this one. When you are stalked by a celebrity and an alleged extra terrestrial in the same week, it is a little disturbing! Folks, I am not making this up. It is completely true and I shall prove it.

Whats the Deal with Gul Panag?

When I suggested to my friend that Gul Panag could be stalking me, he asked me why in the world would she do that? Well, here is my theory:
"Gul is smart and sexy. g2 has a great sense of humor and is in IIT. It’s entirely possible (and seems completely natural) that a lady like herself could fall madly and hopelessly in love with a dude like g2 after reading his blog! g2 may have ignored Gul when she came to IIT and out of desperation, she started stalking him!"
The theory may sound ridiculous but it’s not impossible. As a victim of stalking, I had to follow all leads I had. She “accidentally” ran into me yet again one fine Sunday afternoon and this time I thought I should put an end to it...

The accused has "tweeted" guilty your honor! I rest my case.

Where does Jesus come into the picture then?

Now Jesus… Jesus is a tough nut to crack. And to present my case, I have to digress a little. A lot of people ask me how I get ideas for my blog. Let me tell you this, it is not easy!

Typically, I “research” for about 4 or 5 hours a day! By research, I mean stumble upon something and then follow all link trails until I land into something “interesting”. By interesting, I mean something that is either inherently funny or something that can be made fun of! Once I get an idea, it takes about one or two weeks for it to mature and get shape and this usually happens with the help of very long discussions with my brother! Its a very long and intellectually arduous process but its totally worth it!

Now back to Jesus. A couple of days back, while doing my usual research, I had three tabs open in my browser. One was (I had no idea why I opened it!), the second was a comic from Abstruse Goose (someone shared it on Buzz) and the third was a movie website named Cine Blend!

Now what can “”, “Hollywood” and “Abstruse Goose” possibly have in common? Nothing (or that’s what I thought)! I was quickly ‘ctrl+tab’ing (shuffling) through the three tabs and there he was gazing at me with steely eyes with thick dark hair, flowing beard from the same ad placed in three totally unrelated webpages. Here are the screen shots.

Cinema blend!

the comic is not even related to religion or god!

Double whammy!
Jesus, for some esoteric reasons desperately wants to save me from something. I was like “Thanks man, I appreciate it but NO” but he was like “No, I insist that you click here to get saved” and I was like, “get the hell out of my browser dude!” and he just wouldn't leave... can you believe that?

I know it’s kind of uncanny but it can’t be a coincidence. That leaves only two explanations. It is divine intervention or Google ad sense really sucks! Whatever it was, it was really weird!
History shall thus remember the day when Jesus freaked the “bejesus” out of g2!

Next Steps 

Stalking is a serious offense and I thought I should report the matter to higher authorities. I tried to tweet his Dad – The Almighty God about this but he did not look like he really cared!

I thought Il Papa, The Pope might be of help here, he is after all human. So I logged into facebook to write on his wall (Yes, The Pope has a facebook page and his relationship status says “It’s Complicated”!).

His facebook page turned out to be so much fun that I totally forgot and forgave Jesus and I am now completely over it!
I recommend you to visit this page. It's a goldmine for comedians!
St. Paul says Hi and some weirdo talks about circumcision... This is only the beginning!
Why is everyone blessing the Pope? Isn't it supposed to work the other way round?
Next week on gtoosphere: How the Church is now sponsoring Atheist websites!

@Indibloggers... this post on indivine is here -->

August 29, 2010

Meter Jam: Hall of fame


Last week, I told the story of the dude from meter jam and the 40-odd thousand enthusiastic people who support the movement. I explained how Meter Jam is nothing but a bunch of self-important, pseudo self-righteous, completely out-of-touch assholes getting together to protest against something because their friends think it is cool and that makes them feel good! A few of you did not like my stance and this article is dedicated for you.

Why Meter Jam such a dumb idea?

I found the whole concept of Meter Jam ridiculously asinine because I know a little about how the system works
  • RTA offices in Mumbai and Pune have stopped giving new permits for autos way back in 1998! A black market for old permits flourished overnight. Recently, the RTA has allowed transfer of permits but an official transfer of permit costs Rs 25000 (exclusive of pulling some strings and wetting some beaks)!
  • Even with transfer of permits now legal, the existing permit owners are reluctant to give away their permits; they prefer to rent them out on a monthly basis and the rents go up to a few thousand rupees a month.
  • Most auto drivers do not own autos. They rent it on a shift basis (usually in 8 or 12 hour shifts) and the auto rents again are in the range of a few thousand rupees.
  • They have to bribe the police on a regular basis! Auto drivers are usually stopped because the auto is not in a satisfactory condition (broken tail lamp, indicators not working, not having the required papers etc.) which is kind of out of control of the drivers because most of them do not own the auto they drive!
  • The permit rents, auto rents, police bribes are all black money transactions. The govt. does not take those into account when setting the fare. They just come up with a number like Rs 8 per kilometer and the driver has to bear all these hidden costs.
  • In Chennai and Bangalore, a lot of police constables own autos which are rented out without proper licences and these autos get automatic immunity by ownership! 
If morality represents an ideal world, then economics represents the actual world.
- Freakonomics
So every time an auto driver refuses to ferry for a short distance, it is because it does not make economic sense and not because he hates you. A more thorough argument on these lines here @

I am not saying all the auto drivers are really wonderful people forced to cheat people for survival. Some of them are jerks. May be in cities like Chennai and Hyderabad, a lot of auto drivers are jerks. But the important thing is, they are jerks and we're not protesting against jerks here!

Why are there so many people in this stupid thing?

Now back to Meter Jam, a website where forty thousand people feel sorry about themselves on facebook because their lives are greatly inconvenienced by a few semi-educated people with a driving license! The way I see it, not all the 40,000 people are in it for they honestly feel about the cause.

Meter Jammers can be roughly divided into three groups.

1. Gormless, self important and offensively snobbish dudes and babes who have no idea about the very system they are protesting against.

2. A significant number of girls are in because it is cool to protest against something these days.

3. Horny Indian Males who signed up because there are girls are in it. HIMs spend most of their time silently hoping that taking the city bus will improve their chances of getting laid! They also try to be proactive in the discussion forums to establish themselves as the alpha-male.

The Meter Jam Hall of Fame

In the reply to "What next for Meter Jam":

Jishna on "How to deal with errant auto drivers":

In the reply to "What next for Meter Jam":

Random comments on random comments on the wall:

Amul uses the opportunity to come up with a witty cartoon :)

August 16, 2010

Meter Jam: The brave new face of Youngistan!

From time immemorial, people are duped by taxi drivers near railway stations; people are often inconvenienced because of strikes by the “unions“; People are often “taken for a ride” by auto-wallahs! We, the people of India won’t be held at ransom any more. Meter Jam is here!

In less than 2 weeks, the movement has garnered support from more than 40,000 people, most of them youngsters giving a new meaning to a bold, confident, emerging India. Forty thousand people have once again demonstrated the power of social networking media by getting together to teach the taxi and auto drivers a lesson.

However, a few people have questioned the relevance of the movement itself. To demonstrate the importance of this movement is, we present the story of “the dude”, our protagonist, a typical city dude who takes his girlfriend “the babe” for a movie on a typical Saturday evening.

There are no single screens in big cities anymore, so the dude has to go to a multiplex. As we know, multiplexes on tax holidays double their prices on weekends. The dude has to pay Rs. 250 for a stupid Akshay Kumar flick! The dude does not complain for he cannot afford to look cheap when the babe is around.

What is movie without popcorn? The babe likes it caramel flavored, the dude prefers it salted. Like a perfect couple, they buy a mixed tub. It costs 150 rupees! But dude is a smart dude, he takes a combo pack and saves 49 bucks \m/. After munching popcorn for two hours, the babe feels thirsty. The coke does not quench her thirst. The babe needs some water. Luckily, water is sold for just Rs. 30 in small airline sized bottles! The babe finds the bottle cute and the dude buys it for her.

Movie is always followed by dinner. The babe is very self-conscious about her body. She makes it a point to eat healthy. The dude being the city dude he is; knows that subway is healthy. Thus the dude and the babe decide to eat a piece of cold bread filled with uncooked vegetables popularly sold as a “sub” for Rs. 180. It tastes a little bland, so they add a little mustard, extra cheese, extra mayo accompanied by a large coke and a combo cookie (all in the name of “healthy” eating!). Another combo offer, smart dude spends Rs 500 to save 40 rupees more!

It is late and the dude has to drop the babe at her hostel. Dude does not have a bike. So the dude and the babe hire an auto-rickshaw. It is only 10:45 PM but the evil auto-wallah asks for night charge! The evil auto-wallah also has a faulty meter! But there is no way for the dude to know beforehand.

The babe is an Indian babe; she never pays for the auto! The auto-wallah asks 74 rupees for what should have been only 47 rupees. For the first time since evening, the dude realizes he is being ripped off! The dude has been “taken for a ride”. The dude knows it is never cheap to argue with an auto-wallah. Dude is now brave dude. Brave dude puts his foot down and stands up against evil people who overprice their product. The dude realizes he is being exploited only if the rippers are poorer than the rippees!

“It’s not about the 20 bucks”, the dude exclaims, “It’s about principles!” The babe is impressed. The auto-wallah is not! Soon the battle ensues. Ten minutes into the verbal battle, the evil auto-wallah emerges victorious! The dude is forced to pay 70 rupees. The dude is duped. The dude is enraged. The dude has had enough. The dude fights back. The dude seeks vengeance!

The dude has figured out a way to teach all the auto-wallahs and taxi drivers a lesson for exploiting people. And thus, Meter Jam was born. He urged everyone to boycott all taxis and autos on August 12th. As promised, the dude did not go out that day – he just ordered pizza and coke. Needless to say, it was also a combo pack and smart dude saved Rs. 59!

Moral of the story: the dude is an asshole!

July 30, 2010

Bollywood - A West-Side Story

My second article in The NRI was published today @ Did I mention that I have a fortnightly column there?

I was actually offered this column because people at the magazine were impressed by my post on Film Far(c)e Awards earlier this year. This was supposed to be the first post in the magazine. So I thought it would be a good idea to start the column by blaming the NRIs for some of the things that are bad in this world! Here it goes...

July 25, 2010

The First Annual Facebook Awards

Lame people all around the world say Facebook is a blessing and I’ll unconditionally agree to it. It’s not because I can stay connected with people I don’t care about or because I get to watch/see/read interesting stuff. Facebook is a blessing because it allows me to do a lot of fun social experiments to eventually prove that all girls are stupid and guys are even worse!

Ladies and Gentlemen, without much further ado, gtoosphere presents -

Award for Worst Friend Suggestion

We all know Facebook automatically suggests friends, I have no idea how it does that. Whatever the algorithm is, it sucks. In most cases, I have no mutual friends with the suggested person! I seriously wonder why Facebook keeps on suggesting random females from all over the country. May be Facebook wants to promote harmless stalking. May be that is the reason Facebook is so popular in the first place! And yes,  Studd Laundiya is the icing on the cake ;)

Award for Most Responsible Citizen of India

Not every hero has a dragon to slay or a Disney princess to rescue. Not every hero needs one because today, we celebrate the new super hero on the block. He goes by the name “Ordinary Man”. He is like Batman after budget cuts! While Batman needs a Bat-mobile and millions of dollars’ worth of gadgets to fight crime, Ordinary Man needs only a cell phone. Whenever someone’s in trouble, Ordinary Man calls the cops from his cell phone and then he tweets about it! So criminals all over the country, beware because Ordinary Man has over thousand followers via two twitter accounts!

Award for girl with lowest self esteem

This is the first time in the history of humanity that such an award was even discussed. The nominees for this award are all those girls who put celebrity faces as profile pictures. I wonder why girls continue do that? It is not like when guys see a profile like this they think, Hey here is a girl that looks exactly like Katrina Kaif! All guys have already figured out that this girl is either too ugly to look at or has such a low self-esteem that she needs clinical attention. I sincerely hope that this will discourage you from that practice. 

Even though there are a lot of Katrinas, Kareenas and Priyankas in facebook but the award goes to all the girls who have Genelia D’ Souza’s pic as a profile picture. Now you might ask why Genelia D’Souza?

In the 2006 Telugu movie Bommarillu, Genelia plays the female lead Hasini. The movie was a smash hit; the average Telugu guy fell in love with Hasini and hence the average Telugu wanted to be like Hasini, which is fine except that Hasini is childish, dumb and immature bordering on mental retardation!

Award for Most Original and Wittiest Football Comment

First of all, I would like to thank BigFishMag for this one. I am a fan of Big Fish Mag and I saw this in their Facebook page. I just couldn’t resist giving this award for this really original and creative guy. Dude Manas, you absolutely deserve it. And remember, creativity is the art of hiding your sources.

P.S: This is an open ended post, So suggest new categories or similar stories and I will add it :)

IndiBloggers: This post is on IndiVine at

July 19, 2010

Part 2 of Baverse/Bewars - A complete History and Etymology

Satwik Continues...

Actor Ravi Teja from the movie Venky
where he plays a character that is often
looked  upon as a  personification of the
word bewars in Telugu pop-culture!
A lot of you have followed the part 1 of this article with great zest and enthusiasm. I should thank you for that. The response from Telugu people in the form of comments however, has been only average which reinforces my belief that Telugu people are too “bewars” to even care about it :p

In the previous article, however funny it might be, we were forced to rule out the possibility of bewars having an English origin. We were sort of lost in the wilderness for a short while after that but then, my aforementioned cousin g2 found some interesting evidence of the word having an Urdu origin in the Telugu Wikipedia in an article named “List of Urdu words adopted into the Telugu language.

Urdu or Kannada?

Among a number of Telugu words that were adopted from Urdu is a word బేవారసుBevaarasu”. None of us had a Telugu dictionary that enabled us learn the meaning of this word. Upon further read-through, I found that the word Bewarsi was Kannada for Bastard along with the word Boli Maga. I intimated this information to my cousin without delay.

My cousin g2, a more conscientious person no doubt, was at this point continuing his search. He replied informing me that in some parts of Andhra, the word in use was indeed bewarsi! The reader would do well to know that Andhra and Karnataka have shared very close ties since the time of the Vijayanagar Dynasty’s rule from the early 15th century AD. My shrewd readers would have obviously observed that this development indicated the fallibility of Wikipedia since it had indicated that the word’s origins lay in Urdu and this proof of Kannada origin! This is a huge blow for Wiki-worshippers like me!

No Wiki No Wiki No!

Blasphemy! How can wiki be wrong? I was thinking to myself. Slowly, I came out of denial to find everything I believed in crashing down in a matter of minutes just because one stupid word! I started to hate the word bewars, my new job, everything around me, my life and my very existence. I was like a dumb American kid who just realized Santa does not exist! I was contemplating suicide but I decided to check my mail one last time before taking the extreme step and there was mail from g2 which, I hate to admit, saved my life.

The mail read as follows:

The Mail

Dear esteemed cousin,
Congratulations on finding the Kannada root for our dear Telugu word, Bewars. Although the Kannada root essentially answers all the sneaking doubts we have had over the last two days, I must tell you, I was not convinced about it. With the limited evidence we have, we cannot rule out the possibility of that both Kannada and Telugu words have a common Urdu origin because a significant part of Karnataka was under the Nizam’s influence too.
My friend, Sharjeel Imam.
(A pipe would have looked
more intellectual but we'll
settle for a Cuban :p)
So I could not help but cogitate at one level further. And I am happy to announce that I have satisfactorily and rightfully arrived at the complete etymology of the word and for this I must thank my esteemed friend, Mr. Sharjeel Imam who patiently guided me with his thorough knowledge of Urdu, Persian and Arabic languages even though it is of little personal interest to him.
I am outlining the complete etymology that I have arrived at through the series of steps.
1. Waaris in both Arabic and Persian means the rightful heir of property. (The Telugu word “varasudu” also came from the same Arabic root!)
2. A word in Arabic can be negated by adding the prefix La-
3. So, Lawaaris in Arabic would mean one who does not have a rightful heir i.e. stray. A lawaaris kid would mean "a bastard". It is interesting to note that lawaaris in Hindi means bastard! (an indication that we are on the right track)
4. In Persian, a root word can be negated by adding the prefix be- (examples bebas, bekaar etc.)
5. So in Persian, a word for bastard would be Bewaaris (which is also an Urdu word for bastard).
6. So the Urdu word Bewaaris became bevarsi in Kannada and bewars in Telugu.
7. So technically the word bewars in Telugu means bastard!
Thus I presenting my findings marking the end of an excellent and fruitful journey. It has been an honor researching with you. I hope to be a part of more such wonderful endeavors.
Your brilliant friend and cousin,
Jayanth Tadinada alias g2 (of gtoosphere fame)

We had assumed that the word, due to its regional popularity and brilliant sonic capabilities had its origins in Urdu. And Lo! That is the answer! Wikipedia was right… Our faith is restored! Dear God, please thank g2 on my behalf for he saved my life – yet again!


My friends, thus with great enthusiasm, I thus announce the etymological roots of Bewars! It has been a short and arduous journey, but a fruitful one nonetheless! This brilliant word, my dear readers, offers another mystery. While most words borrowed from other languages are subject to hyper standardization; for instance, In German, the word ‘uber’ means super, but in English we use it as a superlative to ‘super’; The word Bewars upon entry into Telugu has been subject to a slight sobriety that has undermined its offensive nature rendering itself to the wonderful and varied usage that we see around ourselves today! (Or in other words, it is very PG-13 unlike the Urdu word it comes from!)

I shall sign off in the words of the inimitable Arthur Conan Doyle, as spoken by Sherlock Holmes, no less: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth".

Satwik Gade

P.S: Fellow Telugu people, now that you know the etymology of this historical word; it is your moral duty to Share, tweet, re-share, re-tweet until every Telugu person on the face of this planet knows!

P.P.S: @Satwik, you asked me to "feel free" to edit the post. So technically it's your fault that you're suicidal :p -- g2

Note: We urge our Telugu readers to suggest more such intriguing words so we can find out their etymologies in a similar fashion :)

July 16, 2010

Baverse/ Bewars - A complete History and Etymology: part 1

Spoiler Alert

If you are from or lived briefly in Andhra Pradesh (or Karnataka) or at least slightly acquainted with Telugu (or Kannada) language you’ll find this very funny and informative. If not, you’ll find it very amusing!

What is Baverse?

A lot many people who don’t speak Telugu ask me the meaning of the word baverse all the time! Well it is not easy to explain a word like baverse because for me, it is not just a word. It’s an idea; it’s a way of life! Even as a kid, I have always been curious about its etymology. But no one knew where the word came from. I googled a lot but I just couldn’t find it anywhere!

The tipping point came a few days back when my cousin Satwik put his gtalk status message as Satwik Gade is a Certfied bewars! I suggested him that we do some research to find out the etymology of the word. I am proud to say we have cracked it and the results of our research will be published in this blog over the next two entries. The story of how the research unfolded in Satwik’s words:

Satwik Says...

“In spite of being the only two Telugu boys in NIFT, New Delhi, Anirudh Rao and I had very few conversations in our Native tongue. Our conversations comprised English sentences with throwaway references to all things Telugu uttered in the appropriate slang. On one such occasion, although I now forget the context, Rao exclaimed, “If we do that, they will surely know we are completely Bewars.” Now, being a person with an acute interest in etymologies – I own about six copies of The Dictionary of Word Origins in both Telugu and English at various stages of updation - I asked him if he might know where the word Bewars comes from.

If you are Telugu or have lived in Andhra you would surely have heard this word from your friends or not very well wishers at a very nascent stage of mental maturity and would have grasped it and used it and reused it time and again (the way the word feels against your tongue is just short of orgasmic) without once thinking about its origin. Being a man of the above description, Rao of course had no idea and being a senior he made humorous reference of bad taste about my nerdiness and left it at that.

Three years later, I posted a message on Buzz, updating my status to a ‘Certified Bewars’. g2, my friend and cousin suggested that the word bewars have a wiki page of its own. Being in complete agreement with him, I started to research the word bewars and this article is the result of this work in progress.

Initial Leads

The word’s popularity seems to be centered in no particular area in Andhra. However, it is used with particular zest in Hyderabad, so I had been, on earlier occasions, quick to assume that its origin lay in the Urdu language, not least because all Urdu words sit beautifully on the tongue and sound equally enchanting. But I soon found out upon, appropriate research in Lucknow and Allahabad; that the word does not belong in Urdu. Similar searches ruled out most of North India altogether. So once again, I returned to the point of origin which is Hyderabad.

In my Hyderabad office, on a lean day, work-wise, I sat at my desk and decided to take the cyber route to end this mystery. The reader might be thrilled to know that BEWARS is the abbreviation of the British Excavation and Archeological Research Society. Here, I received a bit of encourage when my brain allowed me to assume that the word might have had origins in the Indian opinion of British Archaeology. Of course this was all conjecture and thus I had to persist. So, the reader will, then, come across a few casual references to the word by various Telugu gentlemen around the world. Most of them are in appropriately bad taste and a few are worse where the respectful author deems it fit to call a colleague of mere acquaintance, a Bewars Lanja!

Upon still further search, I realized that it is a popular surname in Britain and America. Now, it is probable that a person of a distinguishable personality is seen often to lend his nomenclature to the personality itself. A proper noun example being: “That teacher is a Hitler” or “Stop monkeying around!” I decided to leave no stone unturned and check if any member of the Bevars/Bewars family had any connection, dubious or otherwise with India.

Dead End

Firstly, the answer is unfortunately, no. Secondly, the earliest reference to this name lies in the website wherein I found that in 1820, a British couple, Antonie and Mary Bewars left for New York on a ship from a port in Germany. Upon further search I found where members of the Bevars family are attempting to contact other members of the Bevars family. A few excerpts from the page are given below for the amusements of readers who fully understand the meaning of bewars.

Juilee134: There are a few Bevars in the Lawrence county, in cemeteries.
L. J Clark: Hi, did you know there are very few bevars? We might be family.
Julie: Thank you, I am real bad at this stuff, but I keep trying. At one time my Bevars was Beavers, and then nothing.

Ad Bevars: "I don’t really know too much about my family history, other than (that) I was always told that the family was black foot Native American. It’s just so exciting to find more bevars people out there. We are few and far in between!"

Clearly Ad Bevars has never been to Andhra! Also another interesting person worth mentioning at this juncture is one Mr. Duffer Bevars ( the reader might be interested to know that an appropriate cyber slang here would be ROTFLMAO) who conducts his profession in matters relating to software engineering.

New Leads

After much amusement and online grave digging across of England and New York, we were forced to abandon the theory that the word is of British origin. Just when we have almost given up hope, a quick look into the urban dictionary has given us a new lead, that the word Bevarsi (which is very close to Bewars) is a Kannada slang word used by slum people in Karnataka. And at the same time g2 dug into the Telugu Wikipedia to find an article which listed all the Urdu words borrowed into the Telugu language and found another exciting lead there. With the two possible leads in less than an hour’s time, both of us initially came to the conclusion that the word is of Kannada origin but destiny had different plans with a new twist...!”

To be continued... in the mean time, share this with your Telugu friends :)

July 11, 2010

Breaking News -- seriously

Like I have mentioned before in one of my earlier posts, I have an offer from The NRI magazine to be one of their contributors and my first article has been published today. The article combines two of my favorite areas - the news media and stand up comedy and is named Breaking News: India Needs a Comic Relief. I insist you check it out here -->

P.S: I know this might freak you out a little bit but trust me, gtoosphere will be updated with the same tempo :D

July 10, 2010

Octopus, Parrot and Humanity

Proud Moments of Human Evolution. Part-1

I am convinced about evolution. Darwin might not have seen this through but I am sure that there is no way we humans can be the end result of any divine or intelligent design going by the recent news events! I know that's not great proof, but the past week of sports reporting has led me to believe that stating wild conjecture as fact is now considered acceptable journalism these days and I am only a blogger, not even a journalist!

So according to the media, in the last one week; Paul the Octopus emerged the new Spanish hero. The Spaniards want to rechristen it as Pablo and adopt it. A few angry Germans want to eat it. Now that the Octopus has predicted a Spanish victory for the world-cup final, the Spanish Prime Minister wants to send troops to protect the octopus! Mani – an equally successful psychic parakeet in Singapore has predicted a Dutch victory. The world cup final is now between Paul Octopus and Mani Parrot.

Attention whores from around the world are coming into the limelight by displaying their psychic pets which can “accurately” predict the world champions in football. I am sure no one believes it and yet everyone is excited about it. I wonder why PETA is not offended yet. They, as honorable members of the prestigious League-of-Easily-Offended should be offended by now! May be there is a grander plan. May be PETA secretly convinced Larissa Requelme to run naked in Paraguay. May be she’ll have a PETA tattoo instead of Axe. May be... *dirty thoughts censored*- (=|:-P)

I bet that if you repeat the experiment with the same Octopus and the same food, North Korea will win the world cup. Do you know why? Because a hungry Octopus doesn’t give a shit about humans! I bet it does not even have the sophistication to see the colors on the flags. It just crawls into the nearest box and eats whatever feels like shrimp. It’s just a handsomely packaged Rudi Goldberg-ish coin tossing experiment with the same odds!

But we don’t get it. Despite being on top of the food chain, human beings just don’t get it. We continue to get excited over a hungry octopus eating shrimp! It’s ridiculous and it’s embarrassing. The whole cast of Lion King is ROFL-ing at the human race. So is Mutley the mutt! I think humanity is stuck with a childish fascination to be swept away by some magic Octopus which will solve all our problems and bestow everlasting happiness upon us. Also humanity wants to fix the oil spill and stop Global Warming!

On a serious note, this may be my last post as a common manas one among you; because in two days’ time, I am going to be rich and famous. I have a coin. It’s no ordinary coin, it’s a magic coin. I just tossed it and… it’s TAILS. Hence The Netherlands will win the world cup! The media must be already on its way to report the awesomely magical coin and the amazing ME for tossing it and predicting every match in the world cup with 100% accuracy! So the time has come to bid goodbye and say this to you from the bottom of my heart, “Screw IIT, Screw you guys I am going home and later I’ll holiday in Casa Bonita!

I was expecting a standing ovation but I will settle for this :p

P.S: This post is based on the ideas and observations of Flawsophy who is too busy this weekend to write about this, so I took over. You should check out his blog here -->

P. P. S: IndiBloggers, if you like this (I am sure you will), vote for this post on Indivine here -->