Inventions S2E01: Alfred Wallace Moment

Definition:

An Alfred Wallace Moment is when you come up with an interesting original idea and share it with the world when someone points out that a similar thing has already been said by someone who is more popular and suddenly you look like an asshole who stole someone’s idea (or worse a tweet) for no fault of yours!

A bit of History:

When I say Theory of Evolution, who is the first person who comes to your mind? Charles Darwin? See that is the problem. Alfred Wallace, a contemporary of Darwin, has independently come up with the same thing around the same time. Yet Darwin got all the credit (and all the heat) solely because Darwin had a Victorian age equivalent of having more Twitter followers compared to our poor Al (Alfred, I call him Al) Wallace. 

This is not a one-off incident. History is full of Alfred Wallace characters if you look carefully. Engels and Marx both came up with the whole communism thing together whereas it is now known as Marxism (In Marx’s defense, Engelsism doesn’t sound like something you want to try, does it?)

In Twitter-speak:

An Alfred Wallace Moment happens when you think of something very funny and make that wisecrack on a trending topic on Twitter only to realize that someone has already tweeted some variation of the same thing and then your fellow tweeple will suspect you of plagiarism and you drown in shame.

How to deal with it?

It can be quite a delicate situation. It happened to me a few times, most notably with this gultrage comic and it happened to Flawsophy too!

When you face these kinds of Alfred Wallace Situations, immediately go into damage control mode. Remember, the onus is on you to convince your followers that you’re not a loser who steals other people’s tweets!

Bonus

People and their phones

The age of the mobile phone being a convenience is over. They are now part of our bodies. I am not saying we’re all cyborgs who are useless without our electronic prosthetics. No, Not yet. But we’ll eventually get there. If you’re thinking that my prediction is ridiculous, then explain why society expects you to carry your phone everywhere you go and answer it every time it rings irrespective of where you are or what time of the day it is?

Tool or Not Tool

I use my phone like I use my iron box. I tend to leave it in my room unless I am absolutely sure that I’d need it. For me it is just a tool – more useful than an iron box but ultimately, just a tool. Apparently, this point of view is against social convention. That is the reason I, as a human being, am constantly yelled at for not answering the phone.

The reasons why I don’t answer phone calls are usually deep. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to you. It’s more like I want to talk to you but only when I really miss you. And people don’t respect that sentiment!

It sounds lame because it is the truth! Do you really think if I wanted to lie to you, I’d come up with a story that involves putting the phone in a corner and forgetting about it? Don't insult my intelligence!

Besides, this is not a big deal. All my friends have figured out their own ways to reach me. Some people send me text messages that usually read, “Pick up the phone!” or “call me back”. Closer friends send more aggressive texts like, “call me back you idiot!” or “what is wrong with you?” Friends in IIT usually contact me either by calling other people in my hostel or sending foot messengers (juniors) if it the matter is urgent!

People who Call Me

Forgetting the phone in silent mode happens only when I attend a class which in itself is quite rare. Sometimes I don’t answer the phone because I am in the middle of doing something. Like listening to a guitar solo or a deep interesting thought. But in situations like these, I do call back promptly within ten minutes. Even then, the first thing that people ask me is, “Why didn't you answer when I called?” or “What were you doing?”

If I tell them that I was thinking deeply and did not want a phone call to disturb my train of thoughts, they take it real personal, accuse me of giving lame excuses and may even conclude in private that I am an obnoxious asshole!

Had I told them that I was in the middle of a useless meeting, it would have been a perfectly legitimate reason! It proves that humans sometimes prefer a bullshit lie to a lame truth. How come being in a pointless meeting is nobler than trying to improve my mind? These are the kind things I think about all day. These people make me think about those things. And then they complain that I don’t answer their calls! Now tell me whose fault is it really?

The Smarty-pants Phone People

Flicked this one from Flickr

I don't care much about my phone but there are people who consider their phone to be a physical part of their body. A part so private, that they just hate the idea of someone getting near it. Sometimes you casually go, “Hey nice phone” and try to take a look at it. They just go livid, “Whoa Dude… careful! That’s my phone! Did you just try to touch my phone? What the hell man! What is wrong with you?”

What can we do? Some people are very touchy-touchy about their phones. Why shouldn’t they? After all cell phones – especially the ones that respond to touch – are very sensitive pieces of equipment. May be that is why they are always protected carefully in specially designed covers that hold them tightly in place while giving just enough breathing space to ring and vibrate!

The Bad Memory People

Then there are some who claim that they “cannot imagine life without a cell phone.” People with bad memory I would say because most of them were alive some ten years back when we all actually lived a life without being drenched in electromagnetic radiation emanating from our pants!

The Always-on-the-phone People

Image courtesy: businesstravellogue.com

Of course we all have friends who are on the phone all the time. By all the time, I mean literally all the time. Eight to ten hours a day! The kind of people who remind me that George Bernard Shaw got it right when he said “youth is wasted on the young”!

Have you ever wondered what they talk about? Because if they’re on the phone for 10 hours a day, then it follows that they are not doing anything in life which implies that they’ll have nothing to talk about. But then they are still talking! And it baffled me.

Being a man of exceptional scientific temper, I did a little research (eavesdropping) on my own. It turns out their conversations usually involve describing what is happening around them. And it’s not like they’re in the middle of a war zone or a football match to have something interesting to say all the time! They give a live commentary of their lives as it happens. Except that they have no life! On the boring scale, it’s equivalent to describing the growth of a tree in real time!

The most disturbing experience in this area happened to me a couple of years back. I had this friend of mine who had this reliance to reliance unlimited calling with his girlfriend. I had some work with him. As usual, he was on the phone with her. I asked him if he had a few minutes. He nods at me and said, "Honey, stay on the line for 15 minutes, I have some work"

<-- additional reading

The non-stop-texting People

The only people who are worse than the always-on-the-phone people are the non-stop-texting people. I don’t even want to dignify their lives by making fun of them on my blog! People who are continuously tweeting their their facebook updates from their Blackberries deserve a special mention here.

The-SMS-Forwarding-People

Have you ever wondered who actually writes those chain SMSes that everyone keeps forwarding to everyone else every morning? I wonder if someone is actually paid to do that. As an unwilling recipient of a lot of chain SMSes from people whose numbers I never even cared to save, I speak on this subject with considerable authority.

Those 20 friends you have who spam your phone first thing in the morning with good morning messages don’t really care your morning! They don’t give a shit about what kind of a day you had. All they’re interested in is paisa vasool! You see, these people have “invested” 30 bucks in an SMS pack using which they can send up to 3000 messages in a month and they don’t want them to go waste! You are a mere cog in the wheel of cheapness that encompasses our whole society! How do you feel about that?

DeaR Frnds, eVerY mObiLe pHone uSr mUsT kNow aBt dis. sHaRe iT wd all ur fRnDs nd mK ds WrLd a BTtr Plce. guD Mrng B)

New Rules for a Better World -- Episode I

Inception

Normally I am never busy, NEVER! But the last three weeks have been tough. Probably for the first time in my life, I’ve been really busy! All this busy-ness made me angry and frustrated that the world is not a perfect place (if it is, I’d never be busy in the first place!) And now I want to dedicate the rest of my life to help (in my own small way) transform this world a better place to live. I plan to achieve that by proposing some new rules now and then -- here goes!

New Rule

Tweeters: I happened to tweet my first new rule @twit2g2

New Rule

The only time people should be allowed to say, “I love my mom!” is when they are explicitly asked, “Do you love your Mom?” 

Now you may think what could be wrong in saying that. There is nothing wrong with the concept, it just insults my intelligence. This is how an innocent rant about the quality of mess sambar is converted into a fake Bollywood interview.

I don’t know if girls pick this habit from Koffee with Karan or the Filmfare magazine but they better realize that they do not have to go out of their way to say that they love their parents. It is assumed you love your mom unless otherwise stated!

New Rule

If someone is smoking 10 feet away from you, you’re not passive smoking, you’re just passive smelling!

I am a neutral nonsmoker. I don’t mind if people smoke around me. I don't really enjoy the odour but I do not put a disgusted expression on my face nor do I wave my hands in front of my nose and follow it up with a condescending stare at the smoker. But I am afraid we’re a dying species!

Nonsmokers are increasingly turning into obnoxious self-righteous assholes who just can’t stand anyone smoking in their vicinity! The worst part is that they think they're doing a favor to humanity which is followed by an exemplary display of moral highhandedness! When you question if their behavior is fair towards the smokers, they always give that passive smoking bullshit.

I agree that passive smoking is dangerous if you work for 10 hours a day in an ill-ventilated office full of smokers but when you’re 10 feet away in an open space? Come on… You can’t inhale the smoke even if you want to. You just get a scent! And not liking a smell is not a valid reason to claim a high moral ground! If you don’t like the smell, it is your problem. I don’t like the smell of public toilets but I don’t go around telling people not to pee do I?

New Rule

Not every intelligent quip or a silly coincidence is an Inception reference!

Aren’t you tired of inception references, especially the ones that got nothing to do with the movie itself? After a lame inception reference, don’t you feel catching the culprit by the collar and yell at him, “How… how is that anything like inception?” You don’t feel like that? Well, I do.

I was walking to class with a PHD guy after a particularly wholesome lunch feeling like a python that just swallowed an alligator. I casually remarked to him, “I am feeling so lethargic that if an accident were to happen here, I wouldn’t rush to help the person!” Just two minutes after I said that, some guy fell down from the bus near the bus stop! The PHD guy turns to me and says, “Wow that was like inception!”

It makes me wonder, how come anything slightly intelligent or mildly coincidental is now seen as an inception reference? I think it is intelligence that is becoming uncommon… almost like a dream we vaguely remember!

P.S: For the record, I never hang out with PHDs.

Indibloggers.. this post on indivine here --> http://bit.ly/aVwN3M

Jesus Christ and Gul Panag are stalking me!

Jesus Christ and Gul Panag, I wonder what they have in common! I don’t personally know them but they don’t look like the kind of people that would hang out together on a Friday night, do they? (No offense Jesus!). Over the last weekend, I asked this question to myself over and over again! What do Gul Panag and Jesus Christ have in common?

Trust me on this one. When you are stalked by a celebrity and an alleged extra terrestrial in the same week, it is a little disturbing! Folks, I am not making this up. It is completely true and I shall prove it.

Whats the Deal with Gul Panag?

When I suggested to my friend that Gul Panag could be stalking me, he asked me why in the world would she do that? Well, here is my theory:

"Gul is smart and sexy. g2 has a great sense of humor and is in IIT. It’s entirely possible (and seems completely natural) that a lady like herself could fall madly and hopelessly in love with a dude like g2 after reading his blog! g2 may have ignored Gul when she came to IIT and out of desperation, she started stalking him!"

The theory may sound ridiculous but it’s not impossible. As a victim of stalking, I had to follow all leads I had. She “accidentally” ran into me yet again one fine Sunday afternoon and this time I thought I should put an end to it...

The accused has "tweeted" guilty your honor! I rest my case.

Where does Jesus come into the picture then?

Now Jesus… Jesus is a tough nut to crack. And to present my case, I have to digress a little. A lot of people ask me how I get ideas for my blog. Let me tell you this, it is not easy!

Typically, I “research” for about 4 or 5 hours a day! By research, I mean stumble upon something and then follow all link trails until I land into something “interesting”. By interesting, I mean something that is either inherently funny or something that can be made fun of! Once I get an idea, it takes about one or two weeks for it to mature and get shape and this usually happens with the help of very long discussions with my brother! Its a very long and intellectually arduous process but its totally worth it!

Now back to Jesus. A couple of days back, while doing my usual research, I had three tabs open in my browser. One was 123orkut.com (I had no idea why I opened it!), the second was a comic from Abstruse Goose (someone shared it on Buzz) and the third was a movie website named Cine Blend!

Now what can “www.123orkut.com”, “Hollywood” and “Abstruse Goose” possibly have in common? Nothing (or that’s what I thought)! I was quickly ‘ctrl+tab’ing (shuffling) through the three tabs and there he was gazing at me with steely eyes with thick dark hair, flowing beard from the same ad placed in three totally unrelated webpages. Here are the screen shots.

Cinema blend!

the comic is not even related to religion or god!

Double whammy!

Jesus, for some esoteric reasons desperately wants to save me from something. I was like “Thanks man, I appreciate it but NO” but he was like “No, I insist that you click here to get saved” and I was like, “get the hell out of my browser dude!” and he just wouldn't leave... can you believe that?

I know it’s kind of uncanny but it can’t be a coincidence. That leaves only two explanations. It is divine intervention or Google ad sense really sucks! Whatever it was, it was really weird!

History shall thus remember the day when Jesus freaked the “bejesus” out of g2!

Next Steps 

Stalking is a serious offense and I thought I should report the matter to higher authorities. I tried to tweet his Dad – The Almighty God about this but he did not look like he really cared!

I thought Il Papa, The Pope might be of help here, he is after all human. So I logged into facebook to write on his wall (Yes, The Pope has a facebook page and his relationship status says “It’s Complicated”!).

His facebook page turned out to be so much fun that I totally forgot and forgave Jesus and I am now completely over it!

I recommend you to visit this page. It's a goldmine for comedians!

St. Paul says Hi and some weirdo talks about circumcision... This is only the beginning!

Why is everyone blessing the Pope? Isn't it supposed to work the other way round?

Next week on gtoosphere: How the Church is now sponsoring Atheist websites!

@Indibloggers... this post on indivine is here --> http://bit.ly/aR3C4j

The Hot Girl Pseudonym

Back in the 19th and 20th centuries, there were quite a few female writers (like Mary Ann Evans). Most of them had to use male pseudonyms (like George Elliot) to be even taken seriously by the readers! Men and women by definition were not equal then. Even in late twentieth century, Joanne Rowling had to use a gender neutral J. K. Rowling to sell Harry Potter to young boys and men (the reason here being more of economics than social). This only proves that men and women are equal only by a politically correct definition but not in our way of life.

But in early 21st century, social networking and blogging became "the thing" and the tables have turned. My theory is that it is lot easier for a girl to get recognition on the internet than it is for a guy. Be it facebook, blogger, twitter or whatever, it is much easier. Just look around you, look at your facebook wall, you can see some girl making an absolutely asinine status update and she gets two pages worth of likes and lols.

It’s the same with blogs. Even when they write about boring (and often narcissistic) shopping “adventures” or neighbor’s cute puppies, they get hundreds of followers and dozens of comments. But for a guy to have hundred followers! Well I am yet to run into a non-tech, non-celebrity blog with original content written by a guy to have over a hundred followers...

Just to prove my point, I conducted a controlled social experiment in facebook where I picked up one silly status message update of a friend on facebook and I put the same status message to compare the number of reactions.
The result: It is always one up for girls; two up if she is hot and uploads her pic!

52 comments!

No comments, just one like :'(

I am not blaming the girls for the seemingly unfair advantage, I am only blaming HIM (Horny Indian Male) who comments/likes/lols every silly status message and blog! (Even I am occasionally guilty of this offence but this is my redemption).

I have an offer to write my own column for a London based online magazine(yaay!) and I initially toyed with the idea of writing with a hot-girl pseudonym but decided against it for three major reasons. One, I do not want a bunch of desperate HIMs following me. Two, I do not want to lose the chance of a hot girl falling in love with me because I am so funny (highly improbable but not impossible) and three, I respect the intelligence of my readers. So I’ll be writing as g2 everywhere :).

P.S: I did not take permission from my friend on facebook to conduct the experiment because I believe it is always more convenient to ask for apology than permission. (If she is reading this, my apologies)

P.P.S: I can be so sexist.

P.P.P.S: Celebrating over 50 followers :)